TESTING, THIS IS JUST A TEST

I'll start. I was given up for adoption May 6, 1967 by K. Thomas, now K. Gaddis. I have one biological brother who is 11 months younger than me, his name is Thomas Hagler. They both live in Columbia SC. For years I tried to make contact. The first time was because my youngest son was plagued with medical disorders and I wanted a family background. I was told by Kaye, "I didn't want you then and I don't want you now.". That being said, I wasn't asking to be wanted, I was asking to have medical records, of that she finally agreed but never provided. I have been her dirty little secret for years, but no more. I find myself being lifted by those words now. I was asked recently not to cause harm, and I didn't. But no where in any of the discussions was I ever asked if I had been harmed. Well, when you are thrown away like trash, it does something to you.. Call it harm, call it a blow to the ego, whatever. Well no more. I am no ones secret. I am a valid human being and I WILL be treated as such.
So for all my adopted friends or friends of the adopted, march forward in your validity! Know your worth. KNOW that you matter!


These words, these names, this crappy ass story. Well, they are all true. But there is more that is true. 

The truth is, I did want to be wanted, missed, anything. For years I tried to act big and bad like it didn't really hurt. It made no difference to me if they fell off the planet...but how could they be so cold to a child? MY child was taken care of. I always made sure of that. It was the child still inside of me that felt neglected, left out and thrown away. 

For years, actually ever sense I can remember, I have never bonded with people. As a child I tried my best to blend in, not be noticed.  As a result, looking back, I realized that the friends I thought I had were never really close, best kind of friends. I had been successful in going practically, completely un-noticed. 

I rode horses as a child, and even worked my way up to AQHA shows, and won. I won a lot. But I never felt good about it. It didn't make me happy. I won awards after awards and it never seemed to be anything magical and joyous about it. It seemed like it was expected, something I had to do. 

I started painting and drawing as a child as well. That I enjoyed, a lot. I thought that one year I would draw everyone in my family something that they could keep. I even had it framed. THAT wasn't good enough. I know, right now you think that maybe "she" wasn't that good. Well maybe, but I had already sold several of my works and for a good amount of money. So something told me, it wasn't that they weren't good enough, it just that I hadn't gone the store a purchased anything. If it wasn't expensive, fake or in the BOX it wasn't good enough. So you see, all of my life, the things I liked, the person I was, it was just never good enough. Not for my adopted family, birth family, and in my mind, pretty much the entire human race. 

I have been trying for years now to rewire my thinking. I know I am good enough, sometimes. The rewiring is taking a little more time than expected. It's just real hard to take everything you ever thought, felt, and were told for 30 some years and rebuild a person into someone who knows how to love, stand in the light and doesn't mind being noticed. I still suffer bouts of awful depression. Asking myself why, and learning to let go. To get better, I had to let go of some of my adopted family. Oddly enough, that was the precise moment I started to really get better. I am not all the way to the good yet, but I am on my way. I no longer practice self loathing on a daily basis. 

I own a business now. One I am quite proud of, until of course I have a slow time. Then, with all the magical things I learned as a child, I am convinced that I am just not good enough. This is one the hardest things to battle through. But once I come though it, we are rocking and rolling again. Business is tough, and I have to remind myself of that. I am a fighter, and I will succeed at this...I know this. But in that little girl's mind that still lives in me, well she has to be reminded that she is not something that can just be thrown away. It is okay to excel at what I do and be VERY good at something. And most of all, it is okay to be me.