Yes, I did.: Finding Humble

Yes, I did.: Finding Humble: This day like all other starts out with me waking at the crack of dawn, and fighting with my mind just to take a little nap before 7:30 AM. ...

Finding Humble

This day like all other starts out with me waking at the crack of dawn, and fighting with my mind just to take a little nap before 7:30 AM. I hear as women get older, it is extremely  normal to have sleep problems. As normal as it is, it still sucks!

Every morning my brain wakes, but my body doesn't agree. It's a battle that frustrates me, and is making my mood increasingly foul. It leaves me feeling useless, but I know, keep fighting and pushing forward, and this too shall pass.

As I mentioned earlier, this seems to be a normal sleep pattern with older women. Well can't say that I think of myself as older, but it's true. "OLDER!",doesn't mean I like it. However, this is a problem I have always had. Can't sleep, always thinking. I have always had to do sleep therapy. Talking to myself, transporting my mind to somewhere that is quiet and serene. My place......the hammock in my old yard.

My hammock was in between two trees in the middle of my fern garden. That very same garden included our gazebo, and a play house for my grandchildren. I hung jewels in the trees that caught light, and sparkled, transporting my grand daughter into her fairy garden. It was magical. It was mine to be enjoyed any time I wanted, and I did.Lush and green, it was sweet and warm, inviting. Gentle fern curls all around with their mother plants cradling them in softness. Sunset was magical, with the jewels flickering color and light through out the green leaves of the trees. I swear, we hosted several families of fairies, and sometimes my Phalyn and I would leave out treats just so they knew we liked them there.

The smell of that garden is what I miss most. Always fragrant, with a light sweetness in the air that put you right at ease.It is a smell that can never be duplicated.

With a couple of bad decisions, and a wrong turn, it's all gone. I will never be able to enjoy that sweetness again.

As much as I loved that place, I have found a humbleness in my heart that wasn't there then. As beautiful as it was, I still really wasn't happy. I thought happiness was all about being right, and knowing I was on the path to having MORE.

I have learned through losing it all, I have more than just a beautiful shade garden. I have love for myself and the people around me. Learning to live in the moment, even with sleep problems. And even now, being considered an older woman, I am blessed just to be older. I appreciate every moment, frustrations and all. And above everything, I still have that memory of my hammock, sweet smells, and a gentle breeze, that help transport me to a place I can sleep.

By the way, I kept the chairs.

Birth Announcement

As time passes my mind grows weary of horrid people. People who make horrid choices and leave people in the wreckage that harms , from those choices. You know, they only think of themselves and never the damages they leave behind.

I like to think of myself as a forward thinker. Always trying to find the best of situations. Always giving second, third, and even 12th chances. But in that I have found, some situations can't be fixed. Sometimes, some of those people are truly just as horrid and the choices they make.

I could tell you my story once more, but honestly, it is starting to bore me. I will only tell you now of the horrid people I know exist.

Kaye Gaddis and R. Thomas Hagler. Those names mean nothing to you, but to me, it is all that is ugly in this world. Kaye is my birth mother and Thomas is my 100% blood brother. Someone said, you can't say that, it would cause harm. Well if the truth is harmful, I say buck up, and take the truth pony for a freaking ride!

I found my birth mother years ago and found out soon after, that she had married my biological father because of another pregnancy that lead to Thomas. Can't say much about the father figure other than he ran out on them too. Yep, the beginnings of a pretty wretched life for all of us. However, I was the only secret. She gave me away to stay with him, and got pregnant again to keep him. It seems, she's always been  calculating, and I was the only thing that went as planned...JUST GONE.

I needed medical records from her, and she couldn't even find it in her cold heart to do that. I am still asked to this day about family history, and still the same answer. I dont have any. Makes you wonder about a human being like that. Makes me wonder about what I am capable of.

Well I dont wonder any more. I knew a long time ago that I was a secret she didn't want anyone to know. She was ashamed of me. And all along, it was she that should have been ashamed of herself.
If I even could possibly bump into them, I always gave them warning, or just didn't go where the may be. I was told many times that coming near them would cause them harm, and how dare me.

Well folks, Kaye Gaddis and Thomas Hagler, it's no longer a question.. I will go where I like and share the wonderful news...It's a girl. I am NO ONES secret. My life matters, and your concerns dont. It's time for the birth announcement...and I am proud to say,
                     Born May 6th, 1967 a beautiful
                                        baby girl!
                                       Helen Ann
  Born to Kaye Thomas and Roger Hagler

And the best news of all.....I forgive you, but I will not be your secret.