Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Yes, I did.: retrospect
Yes, I did.: retrospect: I look around, and I see things that I never dreamed to be possible. But here it is right in front of me as if it was always meant to be thi...
retrospect
I look around, and I see things that I never dreamed to be possible. But here it is right in front of me as if it was always meant to be this way. The problem is my faith. the faith that everything I have risked for the sake of a dream coming true, hoping that all will be well.
Faith is a hard thing to live by and kind of stupid all at the same time. You are taught at a very early age that faith is something we all must have to survive. Without it we lose hope, and without hope we have nothing. This world can be cruel and vicious and seem to have nothing for us but punches to our ego regularly. It hurts, because upon faith and hope is what we base our dreams, but yet fall sacrificially to this world as it yanks all we know from underneath us. Our hope and faith seem almost as if they are only mere jokes in the face of this world and the only one laughing is God.
We are also taught that God has a plan for each and everyone of us for greatness. I call God on that one. If it were not for the down trodden in life, how would the rest of us know we had it good or bad? It is all just simple questions that we all ask from time to time, but I seem to ask a little more than most.
If I am meant for greatness the way God has made me, why then is it everything about me I must change in order to obtain greatness? I am a loner by nature, but have learned over the years to put on my happy face and pretend to be the life of the party. To speak up when I would rather sit quietly watching the bodies as the emulate each other, and also pretend to have perfection at their core.
Faith.......I just can't seem to grasp it today. It is this fleeting light that in the worst of times is supposed to restore us to all that is good and can be good. Some days, I will always argue are just plain bad. We wish we could hide from the world and just for a brief moment in time, let someone else be the grown up. Allow me just a drop in time that my worries are no longer at the for front and faith be real.
I don't need faith to tell me that there is a higher power greater than myself. I don't need faith to tell me that gasoline will soon be a thing of the past. I don't need faith to tell me I am falling apart. Well, obviously, if my faith were strong, would I be falling apart? The agony that dwells beneath my tiny heart. So what good does faith do? Faith has led me down this rocky road. Always believing that, if I just keep my faith, and never lose hope, all will be okay. Well it's not. My heart is weary and my mind is doubtful. Life just isn't what I had faith it would be. Most everything I have ever hoped for is gone, or never happened.
I have this belief that it has been in my trust of others, that my faith was lost. I don't think God sat back and put this scheme into action about each and everyone of our lives. Where I ask you is the logic in that. God's plan? God's plan to me, was the same as our plan for our children. We want what is best for you, but unfortunately, life happens. Some things work out and some don;t.
Have you ever known someone that truly has a black heart, and everything they do is driven by nothing less than greed and arrogance? These are the people that have no good intent except for themselves, and the sun just shines and shines upon them. In the same notion you have a person who truly cares for others and tries to shine light over everyone they meet. They seem to shine, even though everything in their life is a mess. They have no money, home, car, and barely enough of anything to get by. But we still favor the arrogant ,greedy man, because of all he has accomplished.
This is why my faith is disappearing. How can God find this acceptable?
So I guess in retrospect, I know now that faith alone is nothing. God doesn't have this whole thing worked out. It is all just random coincidences that have brought us here. And no amount of faith and hope will change that. Faith without works is nothing.
Faith is a hard thing to live by and kind of stupid all at the same time. You are taught at a very early age that faith is something we all must have to survive. Without it we lose hope, and without hope we have nothing. This world can be cruel and vicious and seem to have nothing for us but punches to our ego regularly. It hurts, because upon faith and hope is what we base our dreams, but yet fall sacrificially to this world as it yanks all we know from underneath us. Our hope and faith seem almost as if they are only mere jokes in the face of this world and the only one laughing is God.
We are also taught that God has a plan for each and everyone of us for greatness. I call God on that one. If it were not for the down trodden in life, how would the rest of us know we had it good or bad? It is all just simple questions that we all ask from time to time, but I seem to ask a little more than most.
If I am meant for greatness the way God has made me, why then is it everything about me I must change in order to obtain greatness? I am a loner by nature, but have learned over the years to put on my happy face and pretend to be the life of the party. To speak up when I would rather sit quietly watching the bodies as the emulate each other, and also pretend to have perfection at their core.
Faith.......I just can't seem to grasp it today. It is this fleeting light that in the worst of times is supposed to restore us to all that is good and can be good. Some days, I will always argue are just plain bad. We wish we could hide from the world and just for a brief moment in time, let someone else be the grown up. Allow me just a drop in time that my worries are no longer at the for front and faith be real.
I don't need faith to tell me that there is a higher power greater than myself. I don't need faith to tell me that gasoline will soon be a thing of the past. I don't need faith to tell me I am falling apart. Well, obviously, if my faith were strong, would I be falling apart? The agony that dwells beneath my tiny heart. So what good does faith do? Faith has led me down this rocky road. Always believing that, if I just keep my faith, and never lose hope, all will be okay. Well it's not. My heart is weary and my mind is doubtful. Life just isn't what I had faith it would be. Most everything I have ever hoped for is gone, or never happened.
I have this belief that it has been in my trust of others, that my faith was lost. I don't think God sat back and put this scheme into action about each and everyone of our lives. Where I ask you is the logic in that. God's plan? God's plan to me, was the same as our plan for our children. We want what is best for you, but unfortunately, life happens. Some things work out and some don;t.
Have you ever known someone that truly has a black heart, and everything they do is driven by nothing less than greed and arrogance? These are the people that have no good intent except for themselves, and the sun just shines and shines upon them. In the same notion you have a person who truly cares for others and tries to shine light over everyone they meet. They seem to shine, even though everything in their life is a mess. They have no money, home, car, and barely enough of anything to get by. But we still favor the arrogant ,greedy man, because of all he has accomplished.
This is why my faith is disappearing. How can God find this acceptable?
So I guess in retrospect, I know now that faith alone is nothing. God doesn't have this whole thing worked out. It is all just random coincidences that have brought us here. And no amount of faith and hope will change that. Faith without works is nothing.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
The angel
Years ago, I was back and forth with my husband and things weren't great. One day he loved me, the next day I had no idea where he was. Not knowing where he was and how long he'd be gone was just something I kinda got used to. Not really, it just sounds good doesn't it?
We had a daughter, and boy was she a beautiful child. It really looked as if she had fallen from heaven. Such a perfect little creature. I loved that her like nobodies business, except my mother in law's. Yep, I had one of those. The moment we came from the hospital, she grabbed her from my arms, and I swear, I believe she is still there. I didn't know how to feed her right, bathe her right, burp her right...jeez, the list went on. And honestly, battling with her father, it probably worked out best for her. It just felt lousy, seeing my sweet baby girl doted over like that, to a point I became afraid to touch her. I was pushed around, and I would take as much as I possibly could stand, and then, I'd push back. I am sure, mothers out there understand completely.
After a few months of living separate, we decided to try again. Well I am using the word "WE" loosely. He was trying with me, and her, and I think another her. It was a mess. In the midst of it all, I became pregnant. Nope, it wasn't a trap or an ultimatum. In fact, quite the opposite. It completely broke our marital bond.
Now being a single mother of a little girl, and pregnant, my family flipped out. I heard everything to, I'd live in the streets, to I needed to find a man who would marry my quick. The worst one I heard was give the baby up for adoption. Well, I was pretty sure none of those scenarios were going to happen, especially the last one.
I have to tell you something. As bad as the situation was, there was something inside me that knew, this baby was a gift. I knew immediately it was a boy, and picked out his name. The name I picked was the name of someone I loved dearly and lost to suicide and his middle name was my grandfather's. I just knew this baby was somehow going to be a light, a special angel that would ultimately bring so much love into all our lives. I was right.
He was born September 13th, 1989. I didn't have any pain meds, and laughed through the entire birth. Not because it didn't hurt, it was just the only reaction my body would allow. Sounds silly, but all I could do was laugh to think, "I am doing this. I am giving birth to a baby, and that's so stinking cool.". He sprang from my loins at 3pm peeing on everyone. Yep, he gave the entire room a golden shower. (For those of you not familiar with the term, look it up.) But, he was gorgeous.
7 lb.s 3oz. baby boy named Michael Powell. What a beautiful strong name.What a beautiful strong boy. I had done it, all by my self. At least I thought.
As the beautiful Michael Powell grew, he and his sister became closer and closer. She tortured him, and he screamed. Pretty normal stuff for siblings. But they were different. There was a calmness in his eyes, a light. I swear, when he was 3 he was already showing signs of compassion. He would handle his sister with such a tolerance, until she pushed his magical "crazy kid" button. He could go from 0 to 105 in 1 second flat. But he would release his frustration, and then as quick as it happened, it was COMPLETELY over.
His sister loved to drag him everywhere. All of her friends used Mike as a puppet. They would make up plays and dance shows, and he was the one they controlled. He didn't seem to mind, he had a natural ability to flip, roll, do hand stands, and jump higher than kids twice his age. We all thought he had springs in his heels. A natural athlete.
As time went on, she became bitter at the way our lives were, and Michael just hung in there as if there was nothing ever wrong. Mommy was just crazy, and so was life. And yes, I feel terrible about that. I wished nothing more than normalcy for my children, unfortunately, their one biggest downfall, they were born to me.
I have never been the best mother, nor have I ever claimed to be. But the one thing I can tell you without reservation, my children saved me, especially Michael.
When I told you he was born with a light, almost angelic, I wasn't lying. I was chosen to have Michael, just as I was chosen to have my other children. But Michael has been different. He has endured so much, even things I didn't do, and come out on the side of compassion, mercy and love. He never has a bad word to say about anyone or anything, he is a rock. He lights up a room when he walks in, and you feel at peace around him. It is an amazing quality, that I am sure we wish we all had.
Michael Powell has grown into a man now, and a husband, and a father. All three of which he has kinda got a knack for. I am not proud of Michael, I am in awe. All he is, I assure you, is in spite of me.
Remember I told you he was named after someone special to me? Well I have to give credit where credit is due. Michael Reid Ballentine and Powell Locklair are his name sakes. Two of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know, and still, miss dearly. But fear not Michael and Powell, little Michael is making us all proud, more than anyone could have ever imagined.
We had a daughter, and boy was she a beautiful child. It really looked as if she had fallen from heaven. Such a perfect little creature. I loved that her like nobodies business, except my mother in law's. Yep, I had one of those. The moment we came from the hospital, she grabbed her from my arms, and I swear, I believe she is still there. I didn't know how to feed her right, bathe her right, burp her right...jeez, the list went on. And honestly, battling with her father, it probably worked out best for her. It just felt lousy, seeing my sweet baby girl doted over like that, to a point I became afraid to touch her. I was pushed around, and I would take as much as I possibly could stand, and then, I'd push back. I am sure, mothers out there understand completely.
After a few months of living separate, we decided to try again. Well I am using the word "WE" loosely. He was trying with me, and her, and I think another her. It was a mess. In the midst of it all, I became pregnant. Nope, it wasn't a trap or an ultimatum. In fact, quite the opposite. It completely broke our marital bond.
Now being a single mother of a little girl, and pregnant, my family flipped out. I heard everything to, I'd live in the streets, to I needed to find a man who would marry my quick. The worst one I heard was give the baby up for adoption. Well, I was pretty sure none of those scenarios were going to happen, especially the last one.
I have to tell you something. As bad as the situation was, there was something inside me that knew, this baby was a gift. I knew immediately it was a boy, and picked out his name. The name I picked was the name of someone I loved dearly and lost to suicide and his middle name was my grandfather's. I just knew this baby was somehow going to be a light, a special angel that would ultimately bring so much love into all our lives. I was right.
He was born September 13th, 1989. I didn't have any pain meds, and laughed through the entire birth. Not because it didn't hurt, it was just the only reaction my body would allow. Sounds silly, but all I could do was laugh to think, "I am doing this. I am giving birth to a baby, and that's so stinking cool.". He sprang from my loins at 3pm peeing on everyone. Yep, he gave the entire room a golden shower. (For those of you not familiar with the term, look it up.) But, he was gorgeous.
7 lb.s 3oz. baby boy named Michael Powell. What a beautiful strong name.What a beautiful strong boy. I had done it, all by my self. At least I thought.
As the beautiful Michael Powell grew, he and his sister became closer and closer. She tortured him, and he screamed. Pretty normal stuff for siblings. But they were different. There was a calmness in his eyes, a light. I swear, when he was 3 he was already showing signs of compassion. He would handle his sister with such a tolerance, until she pushed his magical "crazy kid" button. He could go from 0 to 105 in 1 second flat. But he would release his frustration, and then as quick as it happened, it was COMPLETELY over.
His sister loved to drag him everywhere. All of her friends used Mike as a puppet. They would make up plays and dance shows, and he was the one they controlled. He didn't seem to mind, he had a natural ability to flip, roll, do hand stands, and jump higher than kids twice his age. We all thought he had springs in his heels. A natural athlete.
As time went on, she became bitter at the way our lives were, and Michael just hung in there as if there was nothing ever wrong. Mommy was just crazy, and so was life. And yes, I feel terrible about that. I wished nothing more than normalcy for my children, unfortunately, their one biggest downfall, they were born to me.
I have never been the best mother, nor have I ever claimed to be. But the one thing I can tell you without reservation, my children saved me, especially Michael.
When I told you he was born with a light, almost angelic, I wasn't lying. I was chosen to have Michael, just as I was chosen to have my other children. But Michael has been different. He has endured so much, even things I didn't do, and come out on the side of compassion, mercy and love. He never has a bad word to say about anyone or anything, he is a rock. He lights up a room when he walks in, and you feel at peace around him. It is an amazing quality, that I am sure we wish we all had.
Michael Powell has grown into a man now, and a husband, and a father. All three of which he has kinda got a knack for. I am not proud of Michael, I am in awe. All he is, I assure you, is in spite of me.
Remember I told you he was named after someone special to me? Well I have to give credit where credit is due. Michael Reid Ballentine and Powell Locklair are his name sakes. Two of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know, and still, miss dearly. But fear not Michael and Powell, little Michael is making us all proud, more than anyone could have ever imagined.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Yes, I did.: inprisoned heart
Yes, I did.: inprisoned heart: There are a few of you out there that actually know me, but most that don't. I, in no way claim to be a writer of any sort, but being ab...
inprisoned heart
There are a few of you out there that actually know me, but most that don't. I, in no way claim to be a writer of any sort, but being able to share my thoughts, as random as they may be, helps me get through my life. My hope is that I may make you giggle, think, or just take your mind off your own bullshit long enough to help. If reading my thoughts doesn't do it for you......then STOP... No one is making you read this crap. And I realize putting out there for everyone, opens the door for people to criticize me, and that's is fine with me. My thought is if you are picking on me, you're leaving someone else alone.
Okay, enough of all that blah, blah, blah boring crap and let's get back to what this is really about. Okay? OOOkaaayy!
About 23 years ago I was pregnant with a little boy. Much like everyone else' pregnancies, it had it ups and downs. Until one day my water broke. I was 5 months pregnant with my little guy and the doctor didn't give us much hope. In fact, they asked me what I wanted to do with his body after the process had completed itself. Lying there in the hospital bead, my head was spinning, and all I could think was how much I wanted a shot of vodka. Not that I am an alcoholic, it was so overwhelming I just couldn't seem to process it. And no, I did not take a shot of vodka. I just dealt with it the best I could. There were no tears, but I was scared to death. I could feel my insides shaking. But, a miracle happened.
I swear it was incredible. I didn't abort. I had lost 98 percent of my amniotic fluid, and the doctor said it was impossible for me not to spontaneously abort my little guy, but I didn't.
A couple of days went by, and they sent me home to total bed rest and a regimen of drugs. The thought was, we would do what we could, but nature would ultimately take it's course. Four months later, we scheduled a c-section. He was breach, but unbelievably healthy. It really was a true miracle.
Even my OB-GYN said the case made it in the AMA. My little man's fame had already begun.
Fast track up to his school years. He was smart, and funny. Everyone loved being around him. He made friends of all ages, and was a natural salesman. We always joked that he'd be the perfect lawyer, because not only was he personable, but he could make you BELIEVE anything. Yes, he lied, A LOT! It seemed to be a game to him. And when he was little, he would be punished for telling lies, but it just didn't seem to matter. Because the one that he was being punished for, was funny to him. It was the other 70 he got away with that made him feel like a champ.
Needless to say, if this behavior was steered in the right direction, we may have had a possibility of saving him. But unfortunately it wasn't. My over the top sense of him actually being alive, never went away. He had complications because of his hard birth and became susceptible to Kowasaki;s Disease, in which he almost died, yet AGAIN. So no, I sucked at punishing him, and I sucked at anything other that being thankful he was alive. Yes, I helped create a MONSTER.
Did I mention he learned to lie, very, very well? Yep, and add an incredible dose of ADHD on top of everything I've already told you. Well, you could say, we had many adventures.
My little guy turned into a big guy. A very big guy with no sense of "NO". And when you will not accept NO as an answer, you begin to act out. Acting out as a teenager gets you sent to Juvenile Hall. Acting out as a 19 year old, gets you sent to prison. So, yes, my guy, my son, my heart is now locked away in prison. He deserves the punishment, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I failed him, because I loved him the wrong way. It's good to have gratitude, but when it gets in the way of parenting, it is and was a dis-service to my child.
He is almost 23 now, and will be up for parole in 2016. I still believe he is a miracle, and believe that something ridiculously awesome will come from this. It's been a long hard road to get here, and hopefully, when he is home, we both will love from place that is healthy. Until then, part of my heart is still in prison, waiting for a chance to be the miracle he was meant to be.
Okay, enough of all that blah, blah, blah boring crap and let's get back to what this is really about. Okay? OOOkaaayy!
About 23 years ago I was pregnant with a little boy. Much like everyone else' pregnancies, it had it ups and downs. Until one day my water broke. I was 5 months pregnant with my little guy and the doctor didn't give us much hope. In fact, they asked me what I wanted to do with his body after the process had completed itself. Lying there in the hospital bead, my head was spinning, and all I could think was how much I wanted a shot of vodka. Not that I am an alcoholic, it was so overwhelming I just couldn't seem to process it. And no, I did not take a shot of vodka. I just dealt with it the best I could. There were no tears, but I was scared to death. I could feel my insides shaking. But, a miracle happened.
I swear it was incredible. I didn't abort. I had lost 98 percent of my amniotic fluid, and the doctor said it was impossible for me not to spontaneously abort my little guy, but I didn't.
A couple of days went by, and they sent me home to total bed rest and a regimen of drugs. The thought was, we would do what we could, but nature would ultimately take it's course. Four months later, we scheduled a c-section. He was breach, but unbelievably healthy. It really was a true miracle.
Even my OB-GYN said the case made it in the AMA. My little man's fame had already begun.
Fast track up to his school years. He was smart, and funny. Everyone loved being around him. He made friends of all ages, and was a natural salesman. We always joked that he'd be the perfect lawyer, because not only was he personable, but he could make you BELIEVE anything. Yes, he lied, A LOT! It seemed to be a game to him. And when he was little, he would be punished for telling lies, but it just didn't seem to matter. Because the one that he was being punished for, was funny to him. It was the other 70 he got away with that made him feel like a champ.
Needless to say, if this behavior was steered in the right direction, we may have had a possibility of saving him. But unfortunately it wasn't. My over the top sense of him actually being alive, never went away. He had complications because of his hard birth and became susceptible to Kowasaki;s Disease, in which he almost died, yet AGAIN. So no, I sucked at punishing him, and I sucked at anything other that being thankful he was alive. Yes, I helped create a MONSTER.
Did I mention he learned to lie, very, very well? Yep, and add an incredible dose of ADHD on top of everything I've already told you. Well, you could say, we had many adventures.
My little guy turned into a big guy. A very big guy with no sense of "NO". And when you will not accept NO as an answer, you begin to act out. Acting out as a teenager gets you sent to Juvenile Hall. Acting out as a 19 year old, gets you sent to prison. So, yes, my guy, my son, my heart is now locked away in prison. He deserves the punishment, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I failed him, because I loved him the wrong way. It's good to have gratitude, but when it gets in the way of parenting, it is and was a dis-service to my child.
He is almost 23 now, and will be up for parole in 2016. I still believe he is a miracle, and believe that something ridiculously awesome will come from this. It's been a long hard road to get here, and hopefully, when he is home, we both will love from place that is healthy. Until then, part of my heart is still in prison, waiting for a chance to be the miracle he was meant to be.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Yes, I did.: kindness matters
Yes, I did.: kindness matters: I have noticed lately that kindness is either taken for granted or mistaken for a flaw. None of which is true. We all deserve kindness from ...
kindness matters
I have noticed lately that kindness is either taken for granted or mistaken for a flaw. None of which is true. We all deserve kindness from our fellow man, but more often than not we do not get it. I am sure it is all because of the first sentence I wrote.
As humans we learn so much by action. You put you hand on the stove and it's hot, you probably wont make that mistake again. You lend a friend money never to see the money or what you thought was your friend again. Time after time we are burnt, and usually because we were kind or ignorant.
Well I believe it to be the latter.
Ignorance is bliss isn't it? As long as we proclaim we didn't "think" such a scenario would occur, we by reasoning can claim "ignorance". Ignorance is in no way to be confused with insanity or stupidity, right? Wrong!!!
Let's , for the sake of argument throw one of these scenarios at the wall and see if it sticks..Are you with me? Okay then let's proceed.
I, being of what I assume to be of sane mind and body, ask someone I think a great deal of for help. Now let's say, 9 out of ten times, I have been let down by this person. But because "I" want to trust this person, I believe, yet again, this person will do what she says she will do. Can I now, once again being let down, claim ignorance to the fact this person is unreliable? Well of course not. But who is to blame here. Me, knowing that I can't count on this person's word, or the person who keeps breaking the commitment? I have to argue, it would most definitely be "ME".
I know by now you think I am off track, but stick with me, you'll see my most undeniable point surface soon.
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME, and me again and again. That's usually the basic need of most humans, to, as always, satisfy a need to please, ME. Not me silly. Each one of us think of ourselves first. If you ask someone for help, it's for you. You help someone, then they owe you a favor. It always falls back to the center of your universe....and my friend, we are all guilty. The center of our universe is usually ourselves. I believe in scientific terms, the ID.
Now, here we are at my point. Kindness, yes true kindness isn't about me, or you. It is simply about our compassion for our fellow man. Unfortunately, we are a society that has not grown out of the ID part of our lives. I don't have the answer to why that is, but I can only speculate how it may have happened.
We as parents are not teaching our children coping skills to become adults. We are not letting them take responsibility for their actions, pay their way, or feel their way through raw emotion. It is, I believe, a problem that has to be stopped.
As a nation, we have all done away with basic principles to raising our children. We make excuses for everything they do. I for one am tired of hearing issues are because of their mom or dad. Really? You are forty years old, can't keep a job and still blame your parents for being a sorry excuse? We have to take back our rolls as parents and parent our children, or unfortunately the ID's of the world will never know how to be kind or compassionate. It's through mistakes that we learn.
So now, what did I do about my STUPIDITY? Well, because I became angry, I knew I could no longer be kind, so I stepped away. The person suffering from the ID complex is someone that I failed. I always made excuses for her, always stepped in and tried to fight her battles. In retrospect, because I failed, I tried to overextend myself on her behalf. She learned from me, she didn't have to be responsible, and hurting people was no big deal, I would always make an excuse for it. It is and will remain all about her until she grows out of her ID state I created.
People, if we don't start taking back parenting, and stop letting this crazy world dictate to us it is acceptable to make excuses for our children, kindness and compassion may be lost forever. I can't live with that.
I will forever try, to show kindness and compassion where ever I can. I will try harder, even if it is a bit uncomfortable, to recognize ignorance and stupidity for what they truly are. But most of all, I will let my children take responsibility for their lives. I want nothing more for them but to be kind and compassionate humans, and that is where they must grow out of their ID complex. That is a journey only they can make, without excuses.
So in closing, my kindness? To love without fail, but to let go because the lessons they learn will teach them to, love without fail.
As humans we learn so much by action. You put you hand on the stove and it's hot, you probably wont make that mistake again. You lend a friend money never to see the money or what you thought was your friend again. Time after time we are burnt, and usually because we were kind or ignorant.
Well I believe it to be the latter.
Ignorance is bliss isn't it? As long as we proclaim we didn't "think" such a scenario would occur, we by reasoning can claim "ignorance". Ignorance is in no way to be confused with insanity or stupidity, right? Wrong!!!
Let's , for the sake of argument throw one of these scenarios at the wall and see if it sticks..Are you with me? Okay then let's proceed.
I, being of what I assume to be of sane mind and body, ask someone I think a great deal of for help. Now let's say, 9 out of ten times, I have been let down by this person. But because "I" want to trust this person, I believe, yet again, this person will do what she says she will do. Can I now, once again being let down, claim ignorance to the fact this person is unreliable? Well of course not. But who is to blame here. Me, knowing that I can't count on this person's word, or the person who keeps breaking the commitment? I have to argue, it would most definitely be "ME".
I know by now you think I am off track, but stick with me, you'll see my most undeniable point surface soon.
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME, and me again and again. That's usually the basic need of most humans, to, as always, satisfy a need to please, ME. Not me silly. Each one of us think of ourselves first. If you ask someone for help, it's for you. You help someone, then they owe you a favor. It always falls back to the center of your universe....and my friend, we are all guilty. The center of our universe is usually ourselves. I believe in scientific terms, the ID.
Now, here we are at my point. Kindness, yes true kindness isn't about me, or you. It is simply about our compassion for our fellow man. Unfortunately, we are a society that has not grown out of the ID part of our lives. I don't have the answer to why that is, but I can only speculate how it may have happened.
We as parents are not teaching our children coping skills to become adults. We are not letting them take responsibility for their actions, pay their way, or feel their way through raw emotion. It is, I believe, a problem that has to be stopped.
As a nation, we have all done away with basic principles to raising our children. We make excuses for everything they do. I for one am tired of hearing issues are because of their mom or dad. Really? You are forty years old, can't keep a job and still blame your parents for being a sorry excuse? We have to take back our rolls as parents and parent our children, or unfortunately the ID's of the world will never know how to be kind or compassionate. It's through mistakes that we learn.
So now, what did I do about my STUPIDITY? Well, because I became angry, I knew I could no longer be kind, so I stepped away. The person suffering from the ID complex is someone that I failed. I always made excuses for her, always stepped in and tried to fight her battles. In retrospect, because I failed, I tried to overextend myself on her behalf. She learned from me, she didn't have to be responsible, and hurting people was no big deal, I would always make an excuse for it. It is and will remain all about her until she grows out of her ID state I created.
People, if we don't start taking back parenting, and stop letting this crazy world dictate to us it is acceptable to make excuses for our children, kindness and compassion may be lost forever. I can't live with that.
I will forever try, to show kindness and compassion where ever I can. I will try harder, even if it is a bit uncomfortable, to recognize ignorance and stupidity for what they truly are. But most of all, I will let my children take responsibility for their lives. I want nothing more for them but to be kind and compassionate humans, and that is where they must grow out of their ID complex. That is a journey only they can make, without excuses.
So in closing, my kindness? To love without fail, but to let go because the lessons they learn will teach them to, love without fail.
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