Expectations

Have you ever had your heart broken. Broken for no other reason than expectations. This seems to be the primary reason for most of my heartbreak. My expectations of peoples behaviors far outweighs their ability to perform. Sounds kind of like clowns in a circus, but in actuality, I am the clown.

My life has lead me down many different paths, and provided a lot of stimulus for maintaining a high standard in which my friends and family should adhere. I know, it's ridiculous, but aren't we all guilty of this. At some time in your life you've given of yourself and thought that it would surely be returned. Yeah, that makes us all clowns. And I guess this is the circus of our creation.

I assume, yes assume, that most people are provided at birth some since of  moral compass. Well, at 51, I finally realize that is just not the case. What I perceive to be OK and right, may not be the same for the other person or persons. I feel stealing is wrong, but to some, it just seems like another way to obtain things. I also don't like lying. I think by nature, it confuses and belittles us as human beings. Every animal in nature gets through life without lying, why then do humans feel it to be so necessary? It's much easier to be truthful, and just be real, than to make up a false persona and have to remember each and every step in said lie. Once a lie has been discovered, you can never be trusted again. And here's another thing, the people who lie, also get very angry when their lies have been discovered. It's like saying, "oh shit, you caught me, but it's YOUR fault for the disbelief. How dare you question me!". And sometimes, you, as the victim of the lie, don't you feel guilty for hurting the deceiver by knowing the truth? It's crazy!

Well, here I sit, one more time feeling guilty for knowing the truth. Knowing that I was used and lied to. The whole time, this person has shown me over and over who they are. That in the terms of a moral compass, they do not come equipped with one. If it's mine and you want it, you just take it. I feel guilty for hurting this person who, in their whole life, has always been a taker, a thief, and a liar. Someone said a sociopath. That may be.. but yet I still feel guilty. I was the one manipulated and lied to, and I feel guilty. Funny how those selfish asswipes can turn it all around on you, and funny how we let them.

It's time to pull up the big girl panties and face this nonsense head on. People only treat you how you teach them to treat you. If you look the other way and do not hold these people accountable, then they in turn, do not ever expect to be held accountable. I like to think I am caring, but I also realize by caring, my emotional blinders have been activated. Time to deactivate. Time to move forward and get on with life without having to feel guilty for being a decent human being.  Just because I care does not give anyone the right to abuse my kindness. Kindness will win. I will win!

Just remember, a liar is going to lie. A thief is going to steal, and your expectations will break your heart every time.

Whoops, I did it Again

So here I go with therapy again. By the way, this is much cheaper than telling some therapist the things I already know, and I know how to manage my way through.

Managing depression has been a life long struggle for me and at least at this age I know racking up more hours with a new therapist will only bring me back to where I started when I felt somewhat healthy. Healthy is a relative term. It means so many different things to so many different people. You can ask your neighbor how they feel, and the answer will likely be, "ok", "good", or "oh you know, can't complain". All the while you know that's just a feeble answer that likely mocks or masks their true feelings. We would probably define that type answer as normal. No body really wants outsiders delving into the horror show we call our minds. We all think irrational thoughts from time to time, or tell that someone off in the shower while we are alone. I find shower therapy very helpful. You can tell that person or persons every thing you wish you could say to their face. It's kind of freeing. But then, you are really face to face with them and boom, all that shit just come racing back.

I find my problem of depression has changed the way it attacks me. These days it seems to come from no where, and I become physically ill, as well as sad and long spells of crying and inability to cope with main stream activities. And now, being of a certain age, it kind of sneaks up on me. It sneaks up on me because I now have a normal life (NORMAL HA) and I have so many things that keep me busy. I usually feel very content, and I hum along at a normal pace getting done the things that demand my attention. Like every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. But see, I also don't have the normality's of every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. I do, however, pretend well, and that's where it gets me!

I won't go into all the whys and the how's, but I will say this, I know now I load all the things that bother me into this little space. It's a little space in the backside of all the other thoughts and it stays there until, BOOM! Something, or someone triggers it. This time, my trigger was the past. The past I hadn't really dealt with. It was some hard shit I had to face. My heart had been broken twice. I just tried to put the pain in the back corner and find the good in what became of it. Even though there has been good, there had been a lot of ugly I just didn't want to deal with. I thought somehow I could rearrange the events and make it a better outcome. But the truth was it was ugly, hard, excruciating pain. Pain that actually opened pain from many years ago.

My mother wasn't a great mom. In fact she was pretty awful. Then I met another woman who kind of reminded me of her, so look out, second chance here we come. Well, she was pretty awful too. I kept looking for acceptense from mother figure women. (and that's a whole other story) And of course these women that I would admire, would all let me down. But that's who they were. they weren't good people, they had all failed at being mothers, but that is why I was drawn to them. I needed to be accepeted from people who would never accept me. It would cure me, and I would finally prove I was worthy. Well, it didn't work that way. Honeslty, I guess this last one did a number on me I just couldn't make right. I had to feel it comletely in order to move past it. And feel it,  I have, and i had to realize my broken heart had to heal, and heal in an absolute manner.

I am on the mend now. I am starting to feel better and better. Truth is, I will always miss those women, including my mother, but i have to remember my worth is not connected to them. Nice, good people don't treat others like what I experianced. No matter! Now for me to remember that.....

Sheep and Serpents

As I have said before, these are just my thoughts, scattered, mundane and sometimes tiresome. That's why I find this blog therapeutic.

I recently had what I thought was a friend message me to say she was thinking about me, and when my name came up at work (where she has my old job) she searched hard to still see the good in me. Well, isn't that just a high hill of nonsense. And, we must not forget the and, she saw good in me when I didn't see it in myself. Ok, everybody have their boots on? Oh, and she hoped the message found me well and with a glass of wine in my hand.

Oh serpent heart hid with flowering face. Yes, serpent! Let me shed a little light on this whole situation. If she were truly a friend, she'd know I haven't had a drink in almost a year. Not only that, she and her cohort, did everything they could to remove me from that old job. At the time, it broke my heart. But little did any of us know, I was onto bigger and better things. You also must keep this in perspective, this was over 4 years ago. So to feel as if any of those people mean two plops and a bug to me now is just absurd. What's even more absurd, is this simple girl with her smiles and lies always thought I believed her. NEVER did that ever happen. She started that, get rid of Helen, ball rolling the moment she walked herself into that business. And it still it takes 2 girls to do what I could do. So, whatever right? WRONG!

I have no idea why anyone at that place would even want to discuss the vileness they called Helen, among other names I am sure. Because, before that, I honestly hadn't really given them much thought. I occasionally would see pics of their work and usually like it. Truth be told, I don't like much of what they do, but it didn't matter, everyone deserves a kind word or thought. But no more. Me being nice to such loathsome humans is over. I should have cut that cord and let it be. I don't need them and they don't need me. But we all know after so many years it's hard to let go. But I guess it needed to be done.

But now to get to my point. I am a fairly reasonable human being and I often forgive just because forgiveness is much easier that holding onto all that. But it also wasn't just forgiveness, it was still holding on to what I knew, no matter how painful it was. I loved those people, and they were kinda like the family I didn't have anymore. But then I realized, that was all in my head. They in fact didn't care for or like me a bit. I was only as good as I was useful. When I didn't agree, and just take it on the chin, it was time for me to leave. So, I left.

I've opened my own business, my family is thriving, I am happy. So why now? Why open all that darkness up, just to make sure I know they don't care about me? Did they somehow think I was looking for their approval? Well now is time to set the record completely straight. I lied when I was there to keep someone else's secrets safe, I saw things, heard things, and know things that I will never tell. But I will tell you this, I never want to go back into that dysfunctional daycare! Island of misfit toys is safe from the evil villain lurking 60 miles away. I don't give a damn if the whole thing went up in smoke tomorrow, I have lost NOTHING there other than a little dignity. They asked me to leave and that is exactly what I did. I got on with my life, and my life is so much better now.

I look forward to getting up in the mornings and coming to what I created. Blood, sweat, tears and a lot of hard work and tenacity have brought me to where I am. I almost feel as if they are looking for me to apologies for being happy without them. I wanted to keep a door open, but I see now, that is impossible. By the way, just a little note to that girl who tried to see good in me, look in the mirror, its you that needs the good, I am doing just fine. And remember, I know who you are through and through, sooner or later your sheep's skin will fall away, and everyone will see what I saw.

So now off to lock up the front of MY STORE,  have a royal time closing the store for someone else!