Yes, I did.: retrospect

Yes, I did.: retrospect: I look around, and I see things that I never dreamed to be possible. But here it is right in front of me as if it was always meant to be thi...

retrospect

I look around, and I see things that I never dreamed to be possible. But here it is right in front of me as if it was always meant to be this way. The problem is my faith. the faith that everything I have risked for the sake of a dream coming true, hoping that all will be well.

Faith is a hard thing to live by and kind of stupid all at the same time. You are taught at a very early age that faith is something we all must have to survive. Without it we lose hope, and without hope we have nothing. This world can be cruel and vicious and seem to have nothing for us but punches to our ego regularly. It hurts, because upon faith and hope is what we base our dreams, but yet fall sacrificially to this world as it yanks all we know from underneath us. Our hope and faith seem almost as if they are only mere jokes in the face of this world and the only one laughing is God.

We are also taught that God has a plan for each and everyone of us for greatness. I call God on that one. If it were not for the down trodden in life, how would the rest of us know we had it good or bad? It is all just simple questions that we all ask from time to time, but I seem to ask a little more than most.

If I am meant for greatness the way God has made me, why then is it everything about me I must change in order to obtain greatness? I am a loner by  nature, but have learned over the years to put on my happy face and pretend to be the life of the party. To speak up when I would rather sit quietly watching the bodies as the emulate each other, and also pretend to have perfection at their core.

Faith.......I just can't seem to grasp it today. It is this fleeting light that in the worst of times is supposed to restore us to all that is good and can be good. Some days, I will always argue are just plain bad. We wish we could hide from the world and just for a brief moment in time, let someone else be the grown up. Allow me just a drop in time that my worries are no longer at the for front and faith be real.

I don't need faith to tell me that there is a higher power greater than myself. I don't need faith to tell me that gasoline will soon be a thing of the past. I don't need faith to tell me I am falling apart. Well, obviously, if my faith were strong, would I be falling apart? The agony that dwells beneath my tiny heart. So what good does faith do?  Faith has led me down this rocky road. Always believing that, if I just keep my faith, and never lose hope, all will be okay. Well it's not. My heart is weary and my mind is doubtful. Life just isn't what I had faith it would be. Most everything I have ever hoped for is gone, or never happened.

I have this belief that it has been in my trust of others, that my faith was lost. I don't think God sat back and put this scheme into action about each and everyone of our lives. Where I ask you is the logic in that. God's plan? God's plan to me, was the same as our plan for our children. We want what is best for you, but unfortunately, life happens. Some things work out and some don;t.

Have you ever known someone that truly has a black heart, and everything they do is driven by nothing less than greed and arrogance? These are the people that have no good intent except for themselves, and the sun just shines and shines upon them. In the same notion you have a person who truly cares for others and tries to shine light over everyone they meet. They seem to shine, even though everything in their life is a mess. They have no money, home, car, and barely enough of anything to get by. But we still favor the arrogant ,greedy man, because of all he has accomplished.
This is why my faith is disappearing. How can God  find this acceptable?

So I guess in retrospect, I know now that faith alone is nothing. God doesn't have this whole thing worked out. It is all just random coincidences that have brought us here. And no amount of faith and hope will change that. Faith without works is nothing.

The angel

Years ago, I was back and forth with my husband and things weren't great. One day he loved me, the next day I had no idea where he was. Not knowing where he was and how long he'd be gone was just something I kinda got used to. Not really, it just sounds good doesn't it?

 We had a daughter, and boy was she a beautiful child. It really looked as if she had fallen from heaven. Such a perfect little creature. I loved that her like nobodies business, except my mother in law's. Yep, I had one of those. The moment we came from the hospital, she grabbed her from my arms, and I swear, I believe she is still there. I didn't know how to feed her right, bathe her right, burp her right...jeez, the list went on. And honestly, battling with her father, it probably worked out best for her. It just felt lousy, seeing my sweet baby girl doted over like that, to a point I became afraid to touch her. I was pushed around, and I would take as much as I possibly could stand, and then, I'd push back. I am sure, mothers out there understand completely.

After a few months of living separate, we decided to try again. Well I am using the word "WE" loosely. He was trying with me, and her, and I think another her. It was a mess. In the midst of it all, I became pregnant. Nope, it wasn't a trap or an ultimatum. In fact, quite the opposite. It completely broke our marital bond.

Now being a single mother of a little girl, and pregnant, my family flipped out. I heard everything to, I'd live in the streets, to I needed to find a man who would marry my quick. The worst one I heard was give the baby up for adoption. Well, I was pretty sure none of those scenarios were going to happen, especially the last one.

I have to tell you something. As bad as the situation was, there was something inside me that knew, this baby was a gift. I knew immediately it was a boy, and picked out his name. The name I picked was the name of someone I loved dearly and lost to suicide and his middle name was my grandfather's. I just knew this baby was somehow going to be a light, a special angel that would ultimately bring so much love into all our lives. I was right.

He was born September 13th, 1989. I didn't have any pain meds, and laughed through the entire birth. Not because it didn't hurt, it was just the only reaction my body would allow. Sounds silly, but all I could do was laugh to think, "I am doing this. I am giving birth to a baby, and that's so stinking cool.". He sprang from my loins at 3pm peeing on everyone. Yep, he gave the entire room a golden shower. (For those of you not familiar with the term, look it up.) But, he was gorgeous.

7 lb.s 3oz. baby boy named Michael Powell. What a beautiful strong name.What a beautiful strong boy. I had done it, all by my self. At least I thought.

As the beautiful Michael Powell grew, he and his sister became closer and closer. She tortured him, and he screamed. Pretty normal stuff for siblings. But they were different. There was a calmness in his eyes, a light. I swear, when he was 3 he was already showing signs of compassion. He would handle his sister with such a tolerance, until she pushed his magical "crazy kid" button. He could go from 0 to 105 in 1 second flat. But he would release his frustration, and then as quick as it happened, it was COMPLETELY over.

His sister loved to drag him everywhere. All of her friends used Mike as a puppet. They would make up plays and dance shows, and he was the one they controlled. He didn't seem to mind, he had a natural ability to flip, roll, do hand stands, and jump higher than kids twice his age. We all thought he had springs in his heels. A natural athlete.

As time went on, she became bitter at the way our lives were, and Michael just hung in there as if there was nothing ever wrong. Mommy was just crazy, and so was life. And yes, I feel terrible about that. I wished nothing more than normalcy for my children, unfortunately, their one biggest downfall, they were born to me.

I have never been the best mother, nor have I ever claimed to be. But the one thing I can tell you without reservation, my children saved me, especially Michael.

When I told you he was born with a light, almost angelic, I wasn't lying. I was chosen to have Michael, just as I was chosen to have my other children. But Michael has been different. He has endured so much, even things I didn't do, and come out on the side of compassion, mercy and love. He never has a bad word to say about anyone or anything, he is a rock. He lights up a room when he walks in, and you feel at peace around him. It is an amazing quality, that I am sure we wish we all had.

Michael Powell has grown into a man now, and a husband, and a father. All three of which he has kinda got a knack for. I am not proud of Michael, I am in awe. All he is, I assure you, is in spite of me.

Remember I told you he was named after someone special to me? Well I have to give credit where credit is due. Michael Reid Ballentine and Powell Locklair are his name sakes. Two of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know, and still, miss dearly. But fear not Michael and Powell, little Michael is making us all proud, more than anyone could have ever imagined.

Yes, I did.: inprisoned heart

Yes, I did.: inprisoned heart: There are a few of you out there that actually know me, but most that don't. I, in no way claim to be a writer of any sort, but being ab...

inprisoned heart

There are a few of you out there that actually know me, but most that don't. I, in no way claim to be a writer of any sort, but being able to share my thoughts, as random as they may be, helps me get through my life. My hope is that I may make you giggle, think, or just take your mind off your own bullshit long enough to help. If reading my thoughts doesn't do it for you......then STOP... No one is making you read this crap. And I realize putting out there for everyone, opens the door for people to criticize me, and that's is fine with me. My thought is if you are picking on me, you're leaving someone else alone.

Okay, enough of all that blah, blah, blah boring crap and let's get back to what this is really about. Okay? OOOkaaayy!

About 23 years ago I was pregnant with a little boy. Much like everyone else' pregnancies, it had it ups and downs. Until one day my water broke. I was 5 months pregnant with my little guy and the doctor didn't give us much hope. In fact, they asked me what I wanted to do with his body after the process had completed itself. Lying there in the hospital bead, my head was spinning, and all I could think was how much I wanted a shot of vodka. Not that I am an alcoholic, it was so overwhelming I just couldn't seem to process it. And no, I did not take a shot of vodka. I just dealt with it the best I could. There were no tears, but I was scared to death. I could feel my insides shaking. But, a miracle happened.
I swear it was incredible. I didn't abort. I had lost 98 percent of my amniotic fluid, and the doctor said it was impossible for me not to spontaneously abort my little guy, but I didn't.

A couple of days went by, and they sent me home to total bed rest and a regimen of drugs. The thought was, we would do what we could, but nature would ultimately take it's course. Four months later, we scheduled a c-section. He was breach, but unbelievably healthy. It really was a true miracle.
Even my OB-GYN said the case made it in the AMA. My little man's fame had already begun.

Fast track up to his school years. He was smart, and funny. Everyone loved being around him. He made friends of all ages, and was a natural salesman. We always joked that he'd be the perfect lawyer, because not only was he personable, but he could make you BELIEVE anything. Yes, he lied, A LOT! It seemed to be a game to him. And when he was little, he would be punished for telling lies, but it just didn't seem to matter. Because the one that he was being punished for, was funny to him. It was the other 70 he got away with that made him feel like a champ.

Needless to say, if this behavior was steered in the right direction, we may have had a possibility of saving him. But unfortunately it wasn't. My over the top sense of him actually being alive, never went away. He had complications because of his hard birth and became susceptible to Kowasaki;s Disease, in which he almost died, yet AGAIN. So no, I sucked at punishing him, and I sucked at anything other that being thankful he was alive. Yes, I helped create a MONSTER.

Did I mention he learned to lie, very, very well? Yep, and add an incredible dose of ADHD on top of everything I've already told you. Well, you could say, we had many adventures.

My little guy turned into a big guy. A very big guy with no sense of "NO". And when you will not accept NO as an answer, you begin to act out. Acting out as a teenager gets you sent to Juvenile Hall. Acting out as a 19 year old, gets you sent to prison. So, yes, my guy, my son, my heart is now locked away in prison. He deserves the punishment, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I failed him, because I loved him the wrong way. It's good to have gratitude, but when it gets in the way of parenting, it is and was a dis-service to my child.

He is almost 23 now, and will be up for parole in 2016. I still believe he is a miracle, and believe that something ridiculously awesome will come from this. It's been a long hard road to get here, and hopefully, when he is home, we both will love from place that is healthy. Until then, part of my heart is still in prison, waiting for a chance to be the miracle he was meant to be.

Yes, I did.: kindness matters

Yes, I did.: kindness matters: I have noticed lately that kindness is either taken for granted or mistaken for a flaw. None of which is true. We all deserve kindness from ...

kindness matters

I have noticed lately that kindness is either taken for granted or mistaken for a flaw. None of which is true. We all deserve kindness from our fellow man, but more often than not we do not get it. I am sure it is all because of the first sentence I wrote.

As humans we learn so much by action. You put you hand on the stove and it's hot, you probably wont make that mistake again. You lend a friend money never to see the money or what you thought was your friend again. Time after time we are burnt, and usually because we were kind or ignorant.
Well I believe it to be the latter.

Ignorance is bliss isn't it? As long as we proclaim we didn't "think" such a scenario would occur, we by reasoning can claim "ignorance". Ignorance is in no way to be confused with insanity or stupidity, right?  Wrong!!! 

Let's , for the sake of argument throw one of these scenarios at the wall and see if it sticks..Are you with me? Okay then let's proceed.

I, being of what I assume to be of sane mind and body, ask someone I think a great deal of for help. Now let's say, 9 out of ten times, I have been let down by this person. But because "I" want to trust this person, I believe, yet again, this person will do what she says she will do. Can I now, once again being let down, claim ignorance to the fact this person is unreliable? Well of course not. But who is to blame here. Me, knowing that I can't count on this person's word, or the person who keeps breaking the commitment? I have to argue, it would most definitely be "ME".

I know by now you think I am off track, but stick with me, you'll see my most undeniable point surface soon.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME, and me again and again. That's usually the basic need of most humans, to, as always, satisfy a need to please, ME. Not me silly. Each one of us think of ourselves first. If you ask someone for help, it's for you. You help someone, then they owe you a favor. It always falls back to the center of your universe....and my friend, we are all guilty. The center of our universe is usually ourselves. I believe in scientific terms, the ID.

Now, here we are at my point. Kindness, yes true kindness isn't about me, or you. It is simply about our compassion for our fellow man. Unfortunately, we are a society that has not grown out of the ID part of our lives. I don't have the answer to why that is, but I can only speculate how it may have happened.

We as parents are not teaching our children coping skills to become adults. We are not letting them take responsibility for their actions, pay their way, or feel their way through raw emotion. It is, I believe, a problem that has to be stopped.

As a nation, we have all done away with basic principles to raising our children. We make excuses for everything they do. I for one am tired of hearing issues are because of their mom or  dad. Really? You are forty years old, can't keep a job and still blame your parents for being a sorry excuse? We have to take back our rolls as parents and parent our children, or unfortunately the ID's of the world will never know how to be kind or compassionate. It's through mistakes that we learn.

So now, what did I do about my STUPIDITY? Well, because I became angry, I knew I could no longer be kind, so I stepped away. The person suffering from the ID complex is someone that I failed. I always made excuses for her, always stepped in and tried to fight her battles. In retrospect, because I failed, I tried to overextend myself on her behalf. She learned from me, she didn't have to be responsible, and hurting people was no big deal, I would always make an excuse for it. It is and will remain all about her until she grows out of her ID state I created.

People, if we don't start taking back parenting, and stop letting this crazy world dictate to us it is acceptable to make excuses for our children, kindness and compassion may be lost forever. I can't live with that.

I will forever try, to show kindness and compassion where ever I can. I will try harder, even if it is a bit uncomfortable, to recognize ignorance and stupidity for what they truly are. But most of all, I will let  my children take responsibility for their lives. I want nothing more for them but to be kind and compassionate humans, and that is where they must grow out of their ID complex. That is a journey only they can make, without excuses.

So in closing, my kindness? To love without fail, but to let go because the lessons they learn will teach them to, love without fail.

Yes, I did.: Giant leap of faith

Yes, I did.: Giant leap of faith: I know it seems cliche', the whole "leap of faith" saying, but it's true. At the very time my life seemed to be on the rig...

Giant leap of faith

I know it seems cliche', the whole "leap of faith" saying, but it's true. At the very time my life seemed to be on the right path, there it was, this crazy idea, that somehow, I felt was possible. Wasn't exactly sure how I was going to manage, but I was excited all the same. I put everything on the line to make my dream a reality. Did I say EVERYTHING?

Opening a business in today's world seems out of focus and completely crazy, but I have to work. Finding suitable work in the small town we moved to was out of the question. I have always been a creator, and nothing else has ever really filled that void in me, or made me want to get up and go to work. Working for other people in Charleston, SC was fine, but definitely not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Living and working for their dreams was just utter bullshit. I was taken advantage of, lied to, shoved under to many buses to count, and I was emotionally exhausted. I started to hate work, and that's just not me. So moving to this little town, I had the opportunity once again, to help someone else' dreams come true. Well, not this time sissy. I was on my own and ready.

I am a very lucky woman to be able to say, my husbands family is incredible! Not many girls will say they have a great mother in law, but I can and do. I love my father in law like my own father, and that is a tremendous gift I do no take for granted! Without this extreme support, and dinners, and frozen goodies, and the list goes on, we couldn't even begin to work toward this wonderful, scary dream.

On this miraculous journey, many things have come to fruition. First, we are here, Garden House Floral Studio exists! Okay, with that being said, creating this little shop was the easy part. Everything, and I mean, everything fell into place. Second, getting noticed by the locals, not so much. Yep, I live in a little town, and it has all the joys, AND quirks, all little towns suffer. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way it works. Have you ever watched "Heart of Dixie"? Well I feel like Dr. Hart, on steroids. I have learned, I have to earn their trust, and that just takes a while. I have faith in my ability to provide this town with an outstanding product, now "THEY" need time to have the same faith. OH, by the way, THEY WILL!

Since I opened several months ago, I have managed to gain some fans for my fan club, but there is more to be done. I do not wish to put anyone out of business or trample their sense of well being, but I do plan earning the respect and business of many more locals. I opened this business because I love what I do and I love the creative vibe that "IS" Garden House. I am still small, and can handle most daily affairs by myself, but that's changing. I will need help soon. So, yes, I am growing, slowly but surely!

I am a resident of this small town, and will surely be considered a local before too long. I think that's the day I will call my graduation. That is the day, my giant leap of faith will truly be worthwhile.
I know I can be what this town expects of me, and I expect that I may even surprise some of the locals. I have much to give, and so much learn. But I AM HERE! That's it.

So in my giant leap of faith, I opened a business in a small town, where no-one really knew me. Am I insane? Nope, I love this town, and I want nothing more than to find my dreams coming true here, with some of the kindest, most generous, caring people I have ever met. I have much to offer, and a lot to say, and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be to share what I have. In, my giant leap of faith, I drug my Brailsford family along for the ride. It's been bumpy, but like all fun rides, that's what makes it exciting!

So here's to this wonderful small town, my giant leap of faith, and to everyone who has ever had a dream. It's always good to feel a little fear, it reminds us to live, fight for what we want, and always be grateful for the people who love us! I am getting ready to rock this place out! You can either join my dance, or stay glued to the wall. Either way.....I am rocking on, and spreading the pretty!

Yes, I did.: Finding Humble

Yes, I did.: Finding Humble: This day like all other starts out with me waking at the crack of dawn, and fighting with my mind just to take a little nap before 7:30 AM. ...

Finding Humble

This day like all other starts out with me waking at the crack of dawn, and fighting with my mind just to take a little nap before 7:30 AM. I hear as women get older, it is extremely  normal to have sleep problems. As normal as it is, it still sucks!

Every morning my brain wakes, but my body doesn't agree. It's a battle that frustrates me, and is making my mood increasingly foul. It leaves me feeling useless, but I know, keep fighting and pushing forward, and this too shall pass.

As I mentioned earlier, this seems to be a normal sleep pattern with older women. Well can't say that I think of myself as older, but it's true. "OLDER!",doesn't mean I like it. However, this is a problem I have always had. Can't sleep, always thinking. I have always had to do sleep therapy. Talking to myself, transporting my mind to somewhere that is quiet and serene. My place......the hammock in my old yard.

My hammock was in between two trees in the middle of my fern garden. That very same garden included our gazebo, and a play house for my grandchildren. I hung jewels in the trees that caught light, and sparkled, transporting my grand daughter into her fairy garden. It was magical. It was mine to be enjoyed any time I wanted, and I did.Lush and green, it was sweet and warm, inviting. Gentle fern curls all around with their mother plants cradling them in softness. Sunset was magical, with the jewels flickering color and light through out the green leaves of the trees. I swear, we hosted several families of fairies, and sometimes my Phalyn and I would leave out treats just so they knew we liked them there.

The smell of that garden is what I miss most. Always fragrant, with a light sweetness in the air that put you right at ease.It is a smell that can never be duplicated.

With a couple of bad decisions, and a wrong turn, it's all gone. I will never be able to enjoy that sweetness again.

As much as I loved that place, I have found a humbleness in my heart that wasn't there then. As beautiful as it was, I still really wasn't happy. I thought happiness was all about being right, and knowing I was on the path to having MORE.

I have learned through losing it all, I have more than just a beautiful shade garden. I have love for myself and the people around me. Learning to live in the moment, even with sleep problems. And even now, being considered an older woman, I am blessed just to be older. I appreciate every moment, frustrations and all. And above everything, I still have that memory of my hammock, sweet smells, and a gentle breeze, that help transport me to a place I can sleep.

By the way, I kept the chairs.

Birth Announcement

As time passes my mind grows weary of horrid people. People who make horrid choices and leave people in the wreckage that harms , from those choices. You know, they only think of themselves and never the damages they leave behind.

I like to think of myself as a forward thinker. Always trying to find the best of situations. Always giving second, third, and even 12th chances. But in that I have found, some situations can't be fixed. Sometimes, some of those people are truly just as horrid and the choices they make.

I could tell you my story once more, but honestly, it is starting to bore me. I will only tell you now of the horrid people I know exist.

Kaye Gaddis and R. Thomas Hagler. Those names mean nothing to you, but to me, it is all that is ugly in this world. Kaye is my birth mother and Thomas is my 100% blood brother. Someone said, you can't say that, it would cause harm. Well if the truth is harmful, I say buck up, and take the truth pony for a freaking ride!

I found my birth mother years ago and found out soon after, that she had married my biological father because of another pregnancy that lead to Thomas. Can't say much about the father figure other than he ran out on them too. Yep, the beginnings of a pretty wretched life for all of us. However, I was the only secret. She gave me away to stay with him, and got pregnant again to keep him. It seems, she's always been  calculating, and I was the only thing that went as planned...JUST GONE.

I needed medical records from her, and she couldn't even find it in her cold heart to do that. I am still asked to this day about family history, and still the same answer. I dont have any. Makes you wonder about a human being like that. Makes me wonder about what I am capable of.

Well I dont wonder any more. I knew a long time ago that I was a secret she didn't want anyone to know. She was ashamed of me. And all along, it was she that should have been ashamed of herself.
If I even could possibly bump into them, I always gave them warning, or just didn't go where the may be. I was told many times that coming near them would cause them harm, and how dare me.

Well folks, Kaye Gaddis and Thomas Hagler, it's no longer a question.. I will go where I like and share the wonderful news...It's a girl. I am NO ONES secret. My life matters, and your concerns dont. It's time for the birth announcement...and I am proud to say,
                     Born May 6th, 1967 a beautiful
                                        baby girl!
                                       Helen Ann
  Born to Kaye Thomas and Roger Hagler

And the best news of all.....I forgive you, but I will not be your secret.

Yes, I did.: Lesson learned..... cactus

Yes, I did.: Lesson learned..... cactus: Most people ask, "I thought you were over it?". And as it turns out, I am. Learning lessons I never thought I would. People come...

Lesson learned..... cactus

Most people ask, "I thought you were over it?". And as it turns out, I am. Learning lessons I never thought I would.

People come in all sizes, colors, shapes and of different minds. I have learned to appreciate that. But I have also learned to appreciate the beauty in a cactus.

Aren't they magnificent! Just like some people in our lives. We can surely appreciate the wondrous rainbow of what we see. BUT............

That doesn't mean you want to snuggle, keep it as a lover, or hug it as a friend! Yep, some things are better held at a safe distance so that you may soak up all of it's natural beauty without any harm. That includes, without a doubt, some human beings.

Getting beyond past hurts, does not for a moment suggest you should put yourself back in harms way. What it means, is that you now have the knowledge you didn't have before, and hopefully, you will know better next time.

In no way am I suggesting that you should carry the burden of the hurt, but YOU should carry it's knowledge. The knowledge that some people are not meant to be the grandmaster of the parade we call our lives.As a matter of fact,  maybe they shouldn't even be included in your parade.Whatever the decision, STAY BACK....cactus' have spines...VERY SHARP SPINES!

So many times I see woman who keep themselves in horrible relationships, everyday, pulling away the spines, still refusing to let that cactus go. Thinking, I suppose, that their cactus will one day turn into a big, fluffy hydrangea. Well, it's never going to happen. Once a person has turned into your cactus, it's almost impossible for them to shed those pointy spines. Best you can ever hope for, you yourself turn into a steel pole, or let the cactus go. Either way, it's not the cactus that will change.

In life, you have people that desire to be the cactus of your life and will actually disguise themselves as something less spiny. And that's okay. But once you know they are your cactus, and they deliberately eased their way in, it is then time for you , not to ease out......but run like hell. They do not mean any good, whatsoever!

We are all going to have the proverbial cactus, and we may even be a cactus to others.. But once you have seen the harm that can come from the cactus, STOP...Move on. If you are a cactus, ask yourself "WHY?" Why would you want to cause harm? If you have a cactus, realize.....IT IS A CACTUS....keep it at a safe distance...and move on. You don't have to hate the cactus...appreciate the lessons you've learned and find yourself a beautiful hydrangea!

All in all... Live your life fully, without regrets, but cause no one harm. And if you have been harmed? Use all that you have experienced as your knowledge for the future. AND......never, ever think that YOU can change a cactus. You can only change YOU!

Yes, I did.: Why yes, yes I think I did.

Yes, I did.: Why yes, yes I think I did.: Can you believe it? I went and made her mad. Why you ask? Because I actually said that unbearable word "NO". Yep MY life has bee...

Why yes, yes I think I did.

Can you believe it? I went and made her mad. Why you ask? Because I actually said that unbearable word "NO".

Yep MY life has been a life always trying to please others and then becoming angry. God kept trying to point this out to me and I just wouldn't listen. So more often than not, that anger would brew and I would end up in trouble, one more time. Everytime this happened I would hear from people that cared for me, to stop, learn to be grateful..ANYTHING....... but that constant anger that was usually brewing under everything. And don't you know, it was everyone else' fault.

Well if you have kept up with my journey at all, or perhaps know me, you then know I have been in the process of CHANGE. Absolutely NOT because I wanted to, but because I had to. I had to, to live.

I love fiercely, and passionately, and I also bring that same enthusiasm when it comes to feeling ANGER. And yep, it sincerely ruined my "then" life. I thought it was because others were rude, backstabbing, self centered morons. I just have to add this, I am in NO way ever going to say that a few people in my life weren't exactly that, I just reacted poorly, very poorly.

In reality, who gives two flying craps if people act that way. I don't have to be near them.........BUT, at the time I did.

Guess what? As it turns out, I am actually in a place in my heart and with God, that now....I don't even recognize that behavior. Sounds crazy, well I never claimed to be sane, but when people are negative or mean, 90% of the time I don't even notice. I am happy on the inside and it shows. So in my reality, if someone is being rude, I think, "Wow, guess they are having a bad day", cause it couldn't possibly be me, I'm nice. LOL....

So it would have it, I was offered an incredible business proposition, or so I thought. I had the good fortune to be able to work in that business for several months, the whole time preparing for this wonderful opportunity and transition. Couldn't wait for the shift from "hers" to "mine".

As it all started to bubble and be more and more a reality, something hit me like a lead ball. The business was not what it appeared. It was not a good fit for me and it was starting to make me uncomfortable and angry just being there. I can really thank God for showing me this.

At first, I wouldn't hear anyone who would tell me this was not for me. I tried everything I could to make this a reality. Everywhere I turned, I ran into brick walls. Financing, accessing my own funds, asking for people to invest, but nothing. One big fail after another.

I came to this reality right before a major holiday, and held tight my tongue. I knew if I told her that we had changed our minds, I had changed MY mind, that she would surely cut off her nose to spite her face. She had no other help, and had not even tried to get any. The holiday surely went from bad to worse. Then I knew I had made the right decision for me.

After the holiday had run it's course, we still didn't catch a break. We stayed so busy, and once again, it was just us, or should I say, just ME.......I get it, I was an employee at this point, but a very tired, disgruntled  employee, who might I add, was expected to buy this business. I was OVER it. So I told her.

All I can say is, thank you God for throwing those road blocks in front of me to steer me in the direction I am headed now. We are opening our on shop, with a twist. I am going to be able to do the 3 things I love most. Paint, flowers and teach. Such a wonderful concept, and it's MINE.

This is a road to joyous tiredness. I love what I do, and I can't wait to share it with everyone! Very soon we will open, and will be small business owners. I am surprisingly not afraid, but excited and I know, this was exactly where I was meant to be.........See you soon!