As I have stated in the past, this is just a place I tend to ramble. My feeling, thoughts and experiences. It's not meant to be a scholarly broadcast. Just simple me, being and expressing me.

My children are all grown up with lives of their own and I understand that. Unfortunately I also have to realize that having those lives, most of it does not include me. You see, I wasn't the greatest mom. I did a lot of things that I shouldn't have, a lot I blamed on other people. But the fact is, it was my life, I did what I did, and no one is to blame but me.

I have, since they have been older, tried to rectify a lot of what happened, but you can't erase the hurt. Unfortunately, that hurt is now being slung back at me. I get it, I really do. I have lived with that guilt for so many years now, it just seems kind of my normal. I guess my hopes were that as they got older, we could move past it. That somewhere along the way we would heal. I have tried what all the experts say by t…


Have you ever had your heart broken. Broken for no other reason than expectations. This seems to be the primary reason for most of my heartbreak. My expectations of peoples behaviors far outweighs their ability to perform. Sounds kind of like clowns in a circus, but in actuality, I am the clown.

My life has lead me down many different paths, and provided a lot of stimulus for maintaining a high standard in which my friends and family should adhere. I know, it's ridiculous, but aren't we all guilty of this. At some time in your life you've given of yourself and thought that it would surely be returned. Yeah, that makes us all clowns. And I guess this is the circus of our creation.

I assume, yes assume, that most people are provided at birth some since of  moral compass. Well, at 51, I finally realize that is just not the case. What I perceive to be OK and right, may not be the same for the other person or persons. I feel stealing is wrong, but to some, it just seems like a…

Whoops, I did it Again

So here I go with therapy again. By the way, this is much cheaper than telling some therapist the things I already know, and I know how to manage my way through.

Managing depression has been a life long struggle for me and at least at this age I know racking up more hours with a new therapist will only bring me back to where I started when I felt somewhat healthy. Healthy is a relative term. It means so many different things to so many different people. You can ask your neighbor how they feel, and the answer will likely be, "ok", "good", or "oh you know, can't complain". All the while you know that's just a feeble answer that likely mocks or masks their true feelings. We would probably define that type answer as normal. No body really wants outsiders delving into the horror show we call our minds. We all think irrational thoughts from time to time, or tell that someone off in the shower while we are alone. I find shower therapy very helpful. You …

Sheep and Serpents

As I have said before, these are just my thoughts, scattered, mundane and sometimes tiresome. That's why I find this blog therapeutic.

I recently had what I thought was a friend message me to say she was thinking about me, and when my name came up at work (where she has my old job) she searched hard to still see the good in me. Well, isn't that just a high hill of nonsense. And, we must not forget the and, she saw good in me when I didn't see it in myself. Ok, everybody have their boots on? Oh, and she hoped the message found me well and with a glass of wine in my hand.

Oh serpent heart hid with flowering face. Yes, serpent! Let me shed a little light on this whole situation. If she were truly a friend, she'd know I haven't had a drink in almost a year. Not only that, she and her cohort, did everything they could to remove me from that old job. At the time, it broke my heart. But little did any of us know, I was onto bigger and better things. You also must keep thi…

My Flower Shop The Ups, Downs and the Love

This is a harsh rant that belongs solely to me. Kinda a love note, too.

I am in the floral industry and we have what are called wire services. These consist of ( what the average consumer knows them as) 1800Flowers, Ftd, Teleflora, From You Flowers, and any other outsourced call centers that  are not brick and mortar flower shops with inventory and designers. As a new shop, it is vital to be aligned with at least one of these Satan seeds in order to promote your work. Relying on walk in traffic as a new, unknown florist, in a town that no one knows you, is almost impossible. The wire services lure new, unsuspecting floral shop ownesr in by promising the world, but only to receive approximately 68% of the order value. That doesn't sound half bad, but then you must pay a fee to be aligned with the Devil and fees on top of more fees. So if my shop receives an order for 45.00, you would think I would get at least 30.60, right. NOPE! It takes at least 30 orders at that price to even m…


I've been thinking a lot about surrender lately. It just seems to be lurking aroung every corner and why it is so LARGE in my mind.

I was talking to a friend last night and she is fighting a battle with her son. It is a life or death battle, and unfortunately, meth is in her son's corner, holding on tight. I told her that I had zero advice for her all I could do was offer a shoulder, let her know I knew what she was going through, and tell her most importantly, I loved her.

What needed to be said was this. "You can fight, scream, yell, beg, plead, bargain, and threaten, and none of that shit matters a damn bit. You can tell them, you know more, you can show just cause for this belief, and you can even share the fact that NOTHING in this world has EVER caused you more pain than their burdens and heartache. You can beg them to believe that you would go to the ends of the Earth for them, beg, borrow, steel for them. But NONE of it matters. NOT ONE BIT. The hardest thing as a…

Learning as I go

I haven't posted anything in this blog for quite some time now. I only write to make me feel better, but if along the way it helps someone else, well then, good!

So opening a business, this month makes 2 years, has been one lesson after another. I have had to learn not to prepare for the worst, prepare for nothing but the best. Preparing for the worst actually allows you to set your sights low and not do the things to invite the good. Like telling myself not to stock the shop with fun things because it won't sell. Don't spend on exotic, different types of goods, because I need to make sure everything is just so. Uggggg. the list goes on and on. Knowing my customer base is important. NOT SO. In a new business, you don't have a customer base. You are trying to obtain a customer base.. Oh my God, the agony. LOL

I really got wrapped up in trying to be like my competition, instead of letting what I do best shine. This small town that has NOT received me very well and is a h…