Wednesday, July 17, 2019

the I'm Sorry Note.

This is really an I'm sorry note, so reading this might be kind of boring for you.

There is a person from my past that I still miss from time to time. I miss the friendship, the vacation days, long drives down dirt roads, and the amazement of the life we took in.

My heart always skipped a beat when I was around them. The pure sight of them raised me 10 feet off the floor. The giggle of the mischief still makes me smile. But then it changed. The moments became eternity. The sound of your voice was horrid. All I heard were lies, all I saw was hurt.

I tried to overcome it, see your reasons, feel you want me. But I couldn't. It all fell apart, I fell apart. We fell apart.

I tried to listen as our plans got cancelled again and again, for ONE MORE, once in a lifetime trip. Entertaining your friends overnight, even if they were women. I know I should have understood that you were JUST FRIENDS. I really did try to understand.

The late nights, you'd stumble in drunk, only to wake up the next morning and ask me how you ended up at my house. But hey, you always said thanks and you loved me for taking care of you. Those words only left your lips as you were leaving. But I really did try to understand.

When you left me to go and find yourself, I tried to understand. You couldn't come back home, even to see me in ICU.. I really did try to understand.

When you couldn't understand that I had just had enough, I tried to understand.

But now, we live other lives. So completely different from what was. Now, I understand.

I am only sorry that I didn't understand earlier....I am so, so, sorry.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

Villainous Ramblings of the Step Monster

So years have gone by and nothing really has changed other than we are all older. In her mind, I am still the villain, taker of her father, woman who sees more than she'd like, and step monster.

Years have gone by and I have tried to be different, loving and as understanding as humanly possible.

Years have faded my need to be accepted, loved or even like by her. The years have gone by, and still at least once a year I am reminded that you really needed your mom when you were little. You needed to be parented, you needed boundaries, you needed to learn how to accept NO as a complete sentence.

Now we are here, this year and now. I now completely understand that our relationship will never change. You also need to understand that I no longer care. I don't care when you're sad, hurt, happy, feeling loved, feeling overwhelmed or feeling contempt. I just simply have given up on you.

Years have gone by, now we are through.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Lessons, Love and the sexy beast

When I was young, my life was kind of crazy. My mom owned a flower shop and my father was a insurance man. They did well for our family. I thought that when I grew up my life would be showered in riches, well, just because. I was spoiled in the fact that I just never thought that I would suffer. I never thought it was possible that I'd be broke and asking a food bank to help feed my kids. I never realized that I just may be divorced, 3 kids, no child support and really, not enough education to make it out there in the real world. But that's exactly what happened.

My parents, really didn't prepare me for that because they never thought that would be my life. Hell, neither did I. I don't live that way any longer but it was my life. I had hard decisions to make, like, do I pay the light bill, or do I pay my car insurance. Do I marry this man because our lives would be better, even though he beats the hell out of me. Do I stay and take it, or do I leave? I came to a point where I realized living in a box, eating at a food bank and working 50-60 hour weeks to make ends meet, was a hell of a lot better than getting thrown around, put down, spit on, broken limbs, busted lips, and just plain let down.

By the time I was 27 I had all but lost faith in humanity. I didn't believe there were good men, just better than the last man. I was a mess and didn't trust anyone, and that included my family. All my family really knew about me was that I was a mess making one bad decision after another. They were kind of right, but what they didn't know, is that the best of me hadn't been lost, it was yet to come.

I always wanted to own a flower shop. Not for the reasons you think. Yes, I love this business, I mean truly love doing what I do. I wanted to own my shop because then I could no longer be pushed out, put down, let down, and I could be the master of my own destiny. I had the power to do things I knew to be good. I had the power to say NO. I know this seems a little drastic, but let me tell you this, when you give people the best of you and all you end up with is anger, somethings wrong. However, I learned from this. I learned the power of thank you. It goes a long way. True appreciation for your employees is important. Not as important to us as owners, but to them. They, just like me, want to do a good job. I have never found that people go to work just to feel used and worthless. But you tell them that what they do is important and appreciated, and what they give you in return is priceless.

I worked hard when I was a single parent and I was literally doing all I could do to get ahead.  Trying to give my children more than just bare necessities. To go to a job that causes you great stress and discomfort, ends up in you feeling less than and angry. And we all know if you're angry at your job, you sooner or later become unbearable to be around.

As I said I love this business. Simply love what I do. But I know I couldn't do it alone. Sure, there's a lot I can accomplish all by my little self, but that's not what it's about. It's about a team you create. sometimes your teammates must be replaced but that's okay. I have several stipulations to be a part of my team.
1) You must be a team player or be trainable to be a team player.
2) You MUST NOT be Eeyor. Your attitude is key!
3) You must not be offensive to any of your teammates. We all have a purpose and it is all important
4) You must like your job
5) Making our customers happy is our priority.
6) If there is a problem, we can talk about it, but not degrade anyone else that is on our team, PERIOD!
7) What other shops do is none of our business.....unless it really works and maybe we can implement some of their strategies, lol
8) Leave your work here and lets start fresh tomorrow.
9) This was my dream. I work 6-7 days a week because I chose this. It is my responsibility. I always appreciate your wanting to help build this baby into a full grown, sexy beast!

Number 9 means so much to me. My idea here is that I chose this path and I NEVER want anyone who helps me to get burned out. I get tired and some days want to sleep in, but this was the path I chose. I never expect more from anyone than I am willing to give myself. I also don't expect as much from them as I do myself. And this is where it gets good. They are always ready and willing. It's the craziest thing I have ever seen and I am honored to be in presence of women who love me and this business as much as I do. I'm telling you, all that nonsense I went through taught me valuable lessons. Lessons I took to heart. Thank God for that. Thank God I am who I am today.  Thank God there are people in my life exactly where I need them and they need me. We've got a good thing going on here.

This little shop has taught me confidence, love, respect and that it really does all get better. I described her(my shop) one day as my spoiled little 4 year old...just takes and takes, and then, out of nowhere, the gifts she(my shop) has given me are far more than I ever anticipated. It will always be give and take with her(my shop), but it's worth it. My journey that brought me here, at this very moment, was truly a broken road, but God did absolutely bless it with grace I have never known.
So wrapping this up, just one last word, GRATITUDE.

Monday, June 25, 2018


Have you ever had your heart broken. Broken for no other reason than expectations. This seems to be the primary reason for most of my heartbreak. My expectations of peoples behaviors far outweighs their ability to perform. Sounds kind of like clowns in a circus, but in actuality, I am the clown.

My life has lead me down many different paths, and provided a lot of stimulus for maintaining a high standard in which my friends and family should adhere. I know, it's ridiculous, but aren't we all guilty of this. At some time in your life you've given of yourself and thought that it would surely be returned. Yeah, that makes us all clowns. And I guess this is the circus of our creation.

I assume, yes assume, that most people are provided at birth some since of  moral compass. Well, at 51, I finally realize that is just not the case. What I perceive to be OK and right, may not be the same for the other person or persons. I feel stealing is wrong, but to some, it just seems like another way to obtain things. I also don't like lying. I think by nature, it confuses and belittles us as human beings. Every animal in nature gets through life without lying, why then do humans feel it to be so necessary? It's much easier to be truthful, and just be real, than to make up a false persona and have to remember each and every step in said lie. Once a lie has been discovered, you can never be trusted again. And here's another thing, the people who lie, also get very angry when their lies have been discovered. It's like saying, "oh shit, you caught me, but it's YOUR fault for the disbelief. How dare you question me!". And sometimes, you, as the victim of the lie, don't you feel guilty for hurting the deceiver by knowing the truth? It's crazy!

Well, here I sit, one more time feeling guilty for knowing the truth. Knowing that I was used and lied to. The whole time, this person has shown me over and over who they are. That in the terms of a moral compass, they do not come equipped with one. If it's mine and you want it, you just take it. I feel guilty for hurting this person who, in their whole life, has always been a taker, a thief, and a liar. Someone said a sociopath. That may be.. but yet I still feel guilty. I was the one manipulated and lied to, and I feel guilty. Funny how those selfish asswipes can turn it all around on you, and funny how we let them.

It's time to pull up the big girl panties and face this nonsense head on. People only treat you how you teach them to treat you. If you look the other way and do not hold these people accountable, then they in turn, do not ever expect to be held accountable. I like to think I am caring, but I also realize by caring, my emotional blinders have been activated. Time to deactivate. Time to move forward and get on with life without having to feel guilty for being a decent human being.  Just because I care does not give anyone the right to abuse my kindness. Kindness will win. I will win!

Just remember, a liar is going to lie. A thief is going to steal, and your expectations will break your heart every time.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Whoops, I did it Again

So here I go with therapy again. By the way, this is much cheaper than telling some therapist the things I already know, and I know how to manage my way through.

Managing depression has been a life long struggle for me and at least at this age I know racking up more hours with a new therapist will only bring me back to where I started when I felt somewhat healthy. Healthy is a relative term. It means so many different things to so many different people. You can ask your neighbor how they feel, and the answer will likely be, "ok", "good", or "oh you know, can't complain". All the while you know that's just a feeble answer that likely mocks or masks their true feelings. We would probably define that type answer as normal. No body really wants outsiders delving into the horror show we call our minds. We all think irrational thoughts from time to time, or tell that someone off in the shower while we are alone. I find shower therapy very helpful. You can tell that person or persons every thing you wish you could say to their face. It's kind of freeing. But then, you are really face to face with them and boom, all that shit just come racing back.

I find my problem of depression has changed the way it attacks me. These days it seems to come from no where, and I become physically ill, as well as sad and long spells of crying and inability to cope with main stream activities. And now, being of a certain age, it kind of sneaks up on me. It sneaks up on me because I now have a normal life (NORMAL HA) and I have so many things that keep me busy. I usually feel very content, and I hum along at a normal pace getting done the things that demand my attention. Like every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. But see, I also don't have the normality's of every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. I do, however, pretend well, and that's where it gets me!

I won't go into all the whys and the how's, but I will say this, I know now I load all the things that bother me into this little space. It's a little space in the backside of all the other thoughts and it stays there until, BOOM! Something, or someone triggers it. This time, my trigger was the past. The past I hadn't really dealt with. It was some hard shit I had to face. My heart had been broken twice. I just tried to put the pain in the back corner and find the good in what became of it. Even though there has been good, there had been a lot of ugly I just didn't want to deal with. I thought somehow I could rearrange the events and make it a better outcome. But the truth was it was ugly, hard, excruciating pain. Pain that actually opened pain from many years ago.

My mother wasn't a great mom. In fact she was pretty awful. Then I met another woman who kind of reminded me of her, so look out, second chance here we come. Well, she was pretty awful too. I kept looking for acceptense from mother figure women. (and that's a whole other story) And of course these women that I would admire, would all let me down. But that's who they were. they weren't good people, they had all failed at being mothers, but that is why I was drawn to them. I needed to be accepeted from people who would never accept me. It would cure me, and I would finally prove I was worthy. Well, it didn't work that way. Honeslty, I guess this last one did a number on me I just couldn't make right. I had to feel it comletely in order to move past it. And feel it,  I have, and i had to realize my broken heart had to heal, and heal in an absolute manner.

I am on the mend now. I am starting to feel better and better. Truth is, I will always miss those women, including my mother, but i have to remember my worth is not connected to them. Nice, good people don't treat others like what I experianced. No matter! Now for me to remember that.....

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Sheep and Serpents

As I have said before, these are just my thoughts, scattered, mundane and sometimes tiresome. That's why I find this blog therapeutic.

I recently had what I thought was a friend message me to say she was thinking about me, and when my name came up at work (where she has my old job) she searched hard to still see the good in me. Well, isn't that just a high hill of nonsense. And, we must not forget the and, she saw good in me when I didn't see it in myself. Ok, everybody have their boots on? Oh, and she hoped the message found me well and with a glass of wine in my hand.

Oh serpent heart hid with flowering face. Yes, serpent! Let me shed a little light on this whole situation. If she were truly a friend, she'd know I haven't had a drink in almost a year. Not only that, she and her cohort, did everything they could to remove me from that old job. At the time, it broke my heart. But little did any of us know, I was onto bigger and better things. You also must keep this in perspective, this was over 4 years ago. So to feel as if any of those people mean two plops and a bug to me now is just absurd. What's even more absurd, is this simple girl with her smiles and lies always thought I believed her. NEVER did that ever happen. She started that, get rid of Helen, ball rolling the moment she walked herself into that business. And it still it takes 2 girls to do what I could do. So, whatever right? WRONG!

I have no idea why anyone at that place would even want to discuss the vileness they called Helen, among other names I am sure. Because, before that, I honestly hadn't really given them much thought. I occasionally would see pics of their work and usually like it. Truth be told, I don't like much of what they do, but it didn't matter, everyone deserves a kind word or thought. But no more. Me being nice to such loathsome humans is over. I should have cut that cord and let it be. I don't need them and they don't need me. But we all know after so many years it's hard to let go. But I guess it needed to be done.

But now to get to my point. I am a fairly reasonable human being and I often forgive just because forgiveness is much easier that holding onto all that. But it also wasn't just forgiveness, it was still holding on to what I knew, no matter how painful it was. I loved those people, and they were kinda like the family I didn't have anymore. But then I realized, that was all in my head. They in fact didn't care for or like me a bit. I was only as good as I was useful. When I didn't agree, and just take it on the chin, it was time for me to leave. So, I left.

I've opened my own business, my family is thriving, I am happy. So why now? Why open all that darkness up, just to make sure I know they don't care about me? Did they somehow think I was looking for their approval? Well now is time to set the record completely straight. I lied when I was there to keep someone else's secrets safe, I saw things, heard things, and know things that I will never tell. But I will tell you this, I never want to go back into that dysfunctional daycare! Island of misfit toys is safe from the evil villain lurking 60 miles away. I don't give a damn if the whole thing went up in smoke tomorrow, I have lost NOTHING there other than a little dignity. They asked me to leave and that is exactly what I did. I got on with my life, and my life is so much better now.

I look forward to getting up in the mornings and coming to what I created. Blood, sweat, tears and a lot of hard work and tenacity have brought me to where I am. I almost feel as if they are looking for me to apologies for being happy without them. I wanted to keep a door open, but I see now, that is impossible. By the way, just a little note to that girl who tried to see good in me, look in the mirror, its you that needs the good, I am doing just fine. And remember, I know who you are through and through, sooner or later your sheep's skin will fall away, and everyone will see what I saw.

So now off to lock up the front of MY STORE,  have a royal time closing the store for someone else!

Monday, October 30, 2017

My Flower Shop The Ups, Downs and the Love

This is a harsh rant that belongs solely to me. Kinda a love note, too.

I am in the floral industry and we have what are called wire services. These consist of ( what the average consumer knows them as) 1800Flowers, Ftd, Teleflora, From You Flowers, and any other outsourced call centers that  are not brick and mortar flower shops with inventory and designers. As a new shop, it is vital to be aligned with at least one of these Satan seeds in order to promote your work. Relying on walk in traffic as a new, unknown florist, in a town that no one knows you, is almost impossible. The wire services lure new, unsuspecting floral shop ownesr in by promising the world, but only to receive approximately 68% of the order value. That doesn't sound half bad, but then you must pay a fee to be aligned with the Devil and fees on top of more fees. So if my shop receives an order for 45.00, you would think I would get at least 30.60, right. NOPE! It takes at least 30 orders at that price to even make 200.00, after fees. You do the math. Well, I will make it easy for you...45.00x30=1350.00... I receive 200.00,( sometimes if I am lucky and we don't get punished for not sending orders through them. Yep, that's right, they punish the shops for not being busy enough, or for having smart customers who know how to use the Internet. I told you they were the Devil.)I may get close to 400.00, but that is highly unlikely.

These are just some of the costs of having a new business. The other is the competition. My competition isn't just your average, "I'll just keep doing my thing", kinda business, it is, "I will set you on fire, rip your guts through you nostrils, and pour gasoline atop you as you scream". kinda business(closely related to the Devil, possibly?). And to think, before I was a business, we were friends. Funny how things work out.

The other thing is your time. Yes, there is no such thing as time off if you have a new business. I knew that from the beginning and was fine with it, actually revelled in it. And then, there were kids. 3 to be exact. I am not in any way upset or discouraged because if it, but it sure does make for interesting days, evenings, and the love of Sundays. Most Sundays any way. We went from an empty nest, to raising our three grandchildren. Wouldn't change it for the world. But boy howdy, are we super freaking busy now.

Ok, so I know you're asking, how the heck do you do it. Well, some days I just don't know. Some days it's all I can do just to be there. And some days, the days that remind you why you have put yourself through every minute of it. Those are the days. The days you see some one smile, or they say, "I always call you, you make me look good", or "That was perfect, it looks like you read my mind." and "You, yes YOU are my favorite!". That is why. The why is because, in the short time I have been in this town, I have managed to run some off, enlighten a few, and gain the best customers and friends any woman could want.This little town ROCKS, and it's because a few of you gave me a chance, and then your friends gave me a chance. All I need is a chance. I know I'm not every one's flavor, but kinda like coffee, I have different blends.

So back to the rant. Please, call your local florist and leave the wire services out of your order. Local vendors are always best.

I love being a business owner, even when it keeps me awake at night. I want everything to be perfect and my expectations are unbelievably high. So on that note, no more ranting, and a little more, get off my ass and start meeting my own expectations. Can't wait to see you guys!

the I'm Sorry Note.

This is really an I'm sorry note, so reading this might be kind of boring for you. There is a person from my past that I still miss fr...