Surrender

I've been thinking a lot about surrender lately. It just seems to be lurking aroung every corner and why it is so LARGE in my mind.

I was talking to a friend last night and she is fighting a battle with her son. It is a life or death battle, and unfortunately, meth is in her son's corner, holding on tight. I told her that I had zero advice for her all I could do was offer a shoulder, let her know I knew what she was going through, and tell her most importantly, I loved her.

What needed to be said was this. "You can fight, scream, yell, beg, plead, bargain, and threaten, and none of that shit matters a damn bit. You can tell them, you know more, you can show just cause for this belief, and you can even share the fact that NOTHING in this world has EVER caused you more pain than their burdens and heartache. You can beg them to believe that you would go to the ends of the Earth for them, beg, borrow, steel for them. But NONE of it matters. NOT ONE BIT. The hardest thing as a parent you will ever have to do is surrender. Surrender the fight, the pull and push of their demons. Because, when you get down to the nitty gritty of it, it is not our fight to fight. And if it is something they are not willing to do, everything you have done, the tears, the screaming, begging, slamming doors, picking them up, letting them fall, is all for nothing. You have to surrender."

I know most parents say, "Oh no, that's my child, I can't give up on them!" Who the hell asked you to give up on them. What I am saying is that you have to let them figure it out. If the go to prison, rehab, live or die, it has to be their choice. You cannot, nor ever will be able to stop another human being from doing what it is they truly want to do. The only thing you are doing, while being a co-dependent, is causing more hurt, and enabling them further. You may not think so. But as long as you are busy trying to MAKE THEM do the right thing, they still have someone to blame, and I promise, it is not them.Parents, I assume, are all a bit co-dependent, so it comes as no surprise, that we fight so hard for our children. But 99.9% of the time, it is all in vain.

I have 3 children, none of which are perfect, but 2 did an amazingly good job at screwing up their lives. I fought, I screamed, I cried, I cried a lot, and not one bit of it mattered. The youngest, I surrendered, and much to my amazement, he is alive. The oldest, well lets just say, nobody really knows, only God. My middle child, he is doing good stuff and I am happy with the choices he's made. But more importantly, he is happy and thriving.

I am just relaying what I know. relaying what I've been through, and what I know worked. Doesn't mean that surrendering wasn't the most horrible pain I have ever felt but it also allows you to heal. And honestly, some days, I still get it all wrong. But at least my brain is pointed in the right direction, and some nights, I actually sleep. Life has finally started to open up again. I can do things without feeling guilty. I am doing things for me and the family (one of my children left behind) again. We talk, have fun, but most of all, WE  live.

Life isn't easy, and with all the evils in the world now, it just makes it harder for our kids to be strong. But fighting their battles will NEVER make them strong. Surrendering your right to fight their fights, knowing that it just might all crumble down around their ears is hard, but I don't think there is any other way. We can still be there for them, but we have to be able to remove ourselves and let them live.

 

Learning as I go

I haven't posted anything in this blog for quite some time now. I only write to make me feel better, but if along the way it helps someone else, well then, good!

So opening a business, this month makes 2 years, has been one lesson after another. I have had to learn not to prepare for the worst, prepare for nothing but the best. Preparing for the worst actually allows you to set your sights low and not do the things to invite the good. Like telling myself not to stock the shop with fun things because it won't sell. Don't spend on exotic, different types of goods, because I need to make sure everything is just so. Uggggg. the list goes on and on. Knowing my customer base is important. NOT SO. In a new business, you don't have a customer base. You are trying to obtain a customer base.. Oh my God, the agony. LOL

I really got wrapped up in trying to be like my competition, instead of letting what I do best shine. This small town that has NOT received me very well and is a hard nut to crack. I thought after a year I would be either closed or making a killing. Well neither of the two has happened. I find that I get customers and I lose customers, and then, they are back again. I have been trying to adapt to what  "I think" they want or need from me. I guess it could be labelled as fitting in. Well, I don't. But...there is always that "BUT". Seriously, I really don't fit in this tight nit community. So, now I have decided to make it work for me.

Yep, my silly self is going to stand strong on the belief that I cannot imitate, I have to be true to myself, my art, and my passions. Having this business for any other reason (well, to make a living) is sure suicide. I started in the knowing that I was different, unique and talented. Giving back to the community what God gave me to share. That's all I really know for sure.

The other lesson that I am pretty sure of...Is the value of my talent and my product. I always let people bargain with me because I was so desperate to make a sale. What I do, my knowledge and my product have REAL value. I am learning to stick to my guns with this in mind. I am not desperate, and acting that way has really undermined my store.

We opened this business with $600.00 in our pockets and have managed to build it into what it is. It isn't where I want it, but we are on our way.  I am going to keep pushing forward, and embrace my quirky weirdness and make this the best flower shop for miles around. I didn't start to stop.

So if you are ever in the south, look for the unique little flower shop, with the owner that really acts like she has a screw or two loose.. I promise, it is worth the stop.

P.S> I have to add this. I know for sure, other shops are rumor mills. Well not here. The ONLY thing that I concern myself with is making a delivery on time, making it beautiful, AND making sure my customer is happy. All the other nonsense, I don't have time  for..And besides, my brain doesn't retain that crap.

Yes, I did.: Wedding Planner???? To have, or NOT to have, THAT ...

Yes, I did.: Wedding Planner???? To have, or NOT to have, THAT ...: As you all are aware, I am a florist and have planned and executed weddings from all aspects. But, more times than not, a planner has been b...

Wedding Planner???? To have, or NOT to have, THAT IS THE QUESTION

As you all are aware, I am a florist and have planned and executed weddings from all aspects. But, more times than not, a planner has been brought in on the wedding by girls who believe throwing away money because someone said to is a great idea. Not that I am apposed to all planners, but more times than not, they are horrible.

Something has gone terribly wrong in the world of wedding planning. The girls and women who are now showing up on the scene, lack manners, skill, and their ego's far surpass their abilities. I believe these girls are getting into the world of wedding planning because of a stupid movie that made it look glamorous. Well, there is NOTHING glamorous about planning the day for your bride. It is a lot of hard work, nerves of steel, and strategic planning for the unplanned! Being an asshole to other vendors does NOT make you look like you're smarter, it makes you look like a bitch that will surely make your name spread like wild fire because no one wants to work with you. There are 2 such planners on my list  to date.

Being in the floral business for years (over 30) means that more likely than not, I have been in this business longer than most wedding planners have been out of diapers, OR picked up the planning career after retiring from a NOT SO FUN JOB! I think it is wonderful if what you do for a living is also your fun time. Sure does make your work life a lot easier to deal with. But in that respect, you can't hand off your duties when it becomes not so fun, especially if you have been paid for a whole job.

Planners, HEAR ME. We of the wedding industry do not find your bad behavior cute, nor do we like being second guessed on what we know works. Talking down to any other vendor is NOT acceptable. We are there for the same reason you are, to make the bride and everything about that day shine! One more thing, taking credit for what the other vendors do, not cool either, especially if you are a "DAY OF" planner.

You may thinK that I am anti-wedding planner. I am not. I have met some seriously wonderful wedding planners. But, yes, they are few and far between. Believe me when I say, if any of your vendors wrinkle their noses at the name you throw out as your "PLANNER", or the price goes up because of where your wedding is and who is helping you, ask WHY! There is normally a very good reason. No vendor wants to turn away business, but sometimes, being compensated at a really high rate is the only way to go when it comes to working with unreasonable planners.

Want the name of great wedding planner in Charleston? Tannis Jackson! Trust me, she may not remember me, but I remember her, and she is everything you need in a planner! Take your vendors seriously, none of us want anything but for your event to be perfect. And sometimes that may mean switching planners or cutting them loose all together. Good luck, and happy wedding!

Yes, I did.: TESTING, THIS IS JUST A TEST

Yes, I did.: TESTING, THIS IS JUST A TEST: I'll start. I was given up for adoption May 6, 1967 by K. Thomas, now K. Gaddis. I have one biological brother who is 11 months young...

TESTING, THIS IS JUST A TEST

I'll start. I was given up for adoption May 6, 1967 by K. Thomas, now K. Gaddis. I have one biological brother who is 11 months younger than me, his name is Thomas Hagler. They both live in Columbia SC. For years I tried to make contact. The first time was because my youngest son was plagued with medical disorders and I wanted a family background. I was told by Kaye, "I didn't want you then and I don't want you now.". That being said, I wasn't asking to be wanted, I was asking to have medical records, of that she finally agreed but never provided. I have been her dirty little secret for years, but no more. I find myself being lifted by those words now. I was asked recently not to cause harm, and I didn't. But no where in any of the discussions was I ever asked if I had been harmed. Well, when you are thrown away like trash, it does something to you.. Call it harm, call it a blow to the ego, whatever. Well no more. I am no ones secret. I am a valid human being and I WILL be treated as such.
So for all my adopted friends or friends of the adopted, march forward in your validity! Know your worth. KNOW that you matter!


These words, these names, this crappy ass story. Well, they are all true. But there is more that is true. 

The truth is, I did want to be wanted, missed, anything. For years I tried to act big and bad like it didn't really hurt. It made no difference to me if they fell off the planet...but how could they be so cold to a child? MY child was taken care of. I always made sure of that. It was the child still inside of me that felt neglected, left out and thrown away. 

For years, actually ever sense I can remember, I have never bonded with people. As a child I tried my best to blend in, not be noticed.  As a result, looking back, I realized that the friends I thought I had were never really close, best kind of friends. I had been successful in going practically, completely un-noticed. 

I rode horses as a child, and even worked my way up to AQHA shows, and won. I won a lot. But I never felt good about it. It didn't make me happy. I won awards after awards and it never seemed to be anything magical and joyous about it. It seemed like it was expected, something I had to do. 

I started painting and drawing as a child as well. That I enjoyed, a lot. I thought that one year I would draw everyone in my family something that they could keep. I even had it framed. THAT wasn't good enough. I know, right now you think that maybe "she" wasn't that good. Well maybe, but I had already sold several of my works and for a good amount of money. So something told me, it wasn't that they weren't good enough, it just that I hadn't gone the store a purchased anything. If it wasn't expensive, fake or in the BOX it wasn't good enough. So you see, all of my life, the things I liked, the person I was, it was just never good enough. Not for my adopted family, birth family, and in my mind, pretty much the entire human race. 

I have been trying for years now to rewire my thinking. I know I am good enough, sometimes. The rewiring is taking a little more time than expected. It's just real hard to take everything you ever thought, felt, and were told for 30 some years and rebuild a person into someone who knows how to love, stand in the light and doesn't mind being noticed. I still suffer bouts of awful depression. Asking myself why, and learning to let go. To get better, I had to let go of some of my adopted family. Oddly enough, that was the precise moment I started to really get better. I am not all the way to the good yet, but I am on my way. I no longer practice self loathing on a daily basis. 

I own a business now. One I am quite proud of, until of course I have a slow time. Then, with all the magical things I learned as a child, I am convinced that I am just not good enough. This is one the hardest things to battle through. But once I come though it, we are rocking and rolling again. Business is tough, and I have to remind myself of that. I am a fighter, and I will succeed at this...I know this. But in that little girl's mind that still lives in me, well she has to be reminded that she is not something that can just be thrown away. It is okay to excel at what I do and be VERY good at something. And most of all, it is okay to be me.

Yes, I did.: Honey

Yes, I did.: Honey: Sitting here I keep trying to see the signs that are said to be laid before me. Signs that will help guide me into something bigger than I c...