inprisoned heart

There are a few of you out there that actually know me, but most that don't. I, in no way claim to be a writer of any sort, but being able to share my thoughts, as random as they may be, helps me get through my life. My hope is that I may make you giggle, think, or just take your mind off your own bullshit long enough to help. If reading my thoughts doesn't do it for you......then STOP... No one is making you read this crap. And I realize putting out there for everyone, opens the door for people to criticize me, and that's is fine with me. My thought is if you are picking on me, you're leaving someone else alone.

Okay, enough of all that blah, blah, blah boring crap and let's get back to what this is really about. Okay? OOOkaaayy!

About 23 years ago I was pregnant with a little boy. Much like everyone else' pregnancies, it had it ups and downs. Until one day my water broke. I was 5 months pregnant with my little guy and the doctor didn't give us much hope. In fact, they asked me what I wanted to do with his body after the process had completed itself. Lying there in the hospital bead, my head was spinning, and all I could think was how much I wanted a shot of vodka. Not that I am an alcoholic, it was so overwhelming I just couldn't seem to process it. And no, I did not take a shot of vodka. I just dealt with it the best I could. There were no tears, but I was scared to death. I could feel my insides shaking. But, a miracle happened.
I swear it was incredible. I didn't abort. I had lost 98 percent of my amniotic fluid, and the doctor said it was impossible for me not to spontaneously abort my little guy, but I didn't.

A couple of days went by, and they sent me home to total bed rest and a regimen of drugs. The thought was, we would do what we could, but nature would ultimately take it's course. Four months later, we scheduled a c-section. He was breach, but unbelievably healthy. It really was a true miracle.
Even my OB-GYN said the case made it in the AMA. My little man's fame had already begun.

Fast track up to his school years. He was smart, and funny. Everyone loved being around him. He made friends of all ages, and was a natural salesman. We always joked that he'd be the perfect lawyer, because not only was he personable, but he could make you BELIEVE anything. Yes, he lied, A LOT! It seemed to be a game to him. And when he was little, he would be punished for telling lies, but it just didn't seem to matter. Because the one that he was being punished for, was funny to him. It was the other 70 he got away with that made him feel like a champ.

Needless to say, if this behavior was steered in the right direction, we may have had a possibility of saving him. But unfortunately it wasn't. My over the top sense of him actually being alive, never went away. He had complications because of his hard birth and became susceptible to Kowasaki;s Disease, in which he almost died, yet AGAIN. So no, I sucked at punishing him, and I sucked at anything other that being thankful he was alive. Yes, I helped create a MONSTER.

Did I mention he learned to lie, very, very well? Yep, and add an incredible dose of ADHD on top of everything I've already told you. Well, you could say, we had many adventures.

My little guy turned into a big guy. A very big guy with no sense of "NO". And when you will not accept NO as an answer, you begin to act out. Acting out as a teenager gets you sent to Juvenile Hall. Acting out as a 19 year old, gets you sent to prison. So, yes, my guy, my son, my heart is now locked away in prison. He deserves the punishment, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I failed him, because I loved him the wrong way. It's good to have gratitude, but when it gets in the way of parenting, it is and was a dis-service to my child.

He is almost 23 now, and will be up for parole in 2016. I still believe he is a miracle, and believe that something ridiculously awesome will come from this. It's been a long hard road to get here, and hopefully, when he is home, we both will love from place that is healthy. Until then, part of my heart is still in prison, waiting for a chance to be the miracle he was meant to be.