retrospect

I look around, and I see things that I never dreamed to be possible. But here it is right in front of me as if it was always meant to be this way. The problem is my faith. the faith that everything I have risked for the sake of a dream coming true, hoping that all will be well.

Faith is a hard thing to live by and kind of stupid all at the same time. You are taught at a very early age that faith is something we all must have to survive. Without it we lose hope, and without hope we have nothing. This world can be cruel and vicious and seem to have nothing for us but punches to our ego regularly. It hurts, because upon faith and hope is what we base our dreams, but yet fall sacrificially to this world as it yanks all we know from underneath us. Our hope and faith seem almost as if they are only mere jokes in the face of this world and the only one laughing is God.

We are also taught that God has a plan for each and everyone of us for greatness. I call God on that one. If it were not for the down trodden in life, how would the rest of us know we had it good or bad? It is all just simple questions that we all ask from time to time, but I seem to ask a little more than most.

If I am meant for greatness the way God has made me, why then is it everything about me I must change in order to obtain greatness? I am a loner by  nature, but have learned over the years to put on my happy face and pretend to be the life of the party. To speak up when I would rather sit quietly watching the bodies as the emulate each other, and also pretend to have perfection at their core.

Faith.......I just can't seem to grasp it today. It is this fleeting light that in the worst of times is supposed to restore us to all that is good and can be good. Some days, I will always argue are just plain bad. We wish we could hide from the world and just for a brief moment in time, let someone else be the grown up. Allow me just a drop in time that my worries are no longer at the for front and faith be real.

I don't need faith to tell me that there is a higher power greater than myself. I don't need faith to tell me that gasoline will soon be a thing of the past. I don't need faith to tell me I am falling apart. Well, obviously, if my faith were strong, would I be falling apart? The agony that dwells beneath my tiny heart. So what good does faith do?  Faith has led me down this rocky road. Always believing that, if I just keep my faith, and never lose hope, all will be okay. Well it's not. My heart is weary and my mind is doubtful. Life just isn't what I had faith it would be. Most everything I have ever hoped for is gone, or never happened.

I have this belief that it has been in my trust of others, that my faith was lost. I don't think God sat back and put this scheme into action about each and everyone of our lives. Where I ask you is the logic in that. God's plan? God's plan to me, was the same as our plan for our children. We want what is best for you, but unfortunately, life happens. Some things work out and some don;t.

Have you ever known someone that truly has a black heart, and everything they do is driven by nothing less than greed and arrogance? These are the people that have no good intent except for themselves, and the sun just shines and shines upon them. In the same notion you have a person who truly cares for others and tries to shine light over everyone they meet. They seem to shine, even though everything in their life is a mess. They have no money, home, car, and barely enough of anything to get by. But we still favor the arrogant ,greedy man, because of all he has accomplished.
This is why my faith is disappearing. How can God  find this acceptable?

So I guess in retrospect, I know now that faith alone is nothing. God doesn't have this whole thing worked out. It is all just random coincidences that have brought us here. And no amount of faith and hope will change that. Faith without works is nothing.