Years ago, I was back and forth with my husband and things weren't great. One day he loved me, the next day I had no idea where he was. Not knowing where he was and how long he'd be gone was just something I kinda got used to. Not really, it just sounds good doesn't it?
We had a daughter, and boy was she a beautiful child. It really looked as if she had fallen from heaven. Such a perfect little creature. I loved that her like nobodies business, except my mother in law's. Yep, I had one of those. The moment we came from the hospital, she grabbed her from my arms, and I swear, I believe she is still there. I didn't know how to feed her right, bathe her right, burp her right...jeez, the list went on. And honestly, battling with her father, it probably worked out best for her. It just felt lousy, seeing my sweet baby girl doted over like that, to a point I became afraid to touch her. I was pushed around, and I would take as much as I possibly could stand, and then, I'd push back. I am sure, mothers out there understand completely.
After a few months of living separate, we decided to try again. Well I am using the word "WE" loosely. He was trying with me, and her, and I think another her. It was a mess. In the midst of it all, I became pregnant. Nope, it wasn't a trap or an ultimatum. In fact, quite the opposite. It completely broke our marital bond.
Now being a single mother of a little girl, and pregnant, my family flipped out. I heard everything to, I'd live in the streets, to I needed to find a man who would marry my quick. The worst one I heard was give the baby up for adoption. Well, I was pretty sure none of those scenarios were going to happen, especially the last one.
I have to tell you something. As bad as the situation was, there was something inside me that knew, this baby was a gift. I knew immediately it was a boy, and picked out his name. The name I picked was the name of someone I loved dearly and lost to suicide and his middle name was my grandfather's. I just knew this baby was somehow going to be a light, a special angel that would ultimately bring so much love into all our lives. I was right.
He was born September 13th, 1989. I didn't have any pain meds, and laughed through the entire birth. Not because it didn't hurt, it was just the only reaction my body would allow. Sounds silly, but all I could do was laugh to think, "I am doing this. I am giving birth to a baby, and that's so stinking cool.". He sprang from my loins at 3pm peeing on everyone. Yep, he gave the entire room a golden shower. (For those of you not familiar with the term, look it up.) But, he was gorgeous.
7 lb.s 3oz. baby boy named Michael Powell. What a beautiful strong name.What a beautiful strong boy. I had done it, all by my self. At least I thought.
As the beautiful Michael Powell grew, he and his sister became closer and closer. She tortured him, and he screamed. Pretty normal stuff for siblings. But they were different. There was a calmness in his eyes, a light. I swear, when he was 3 he was already showing signs of compassion. He would handle his sister with such a tolerance, until she pushed his magical "crazy kid" button. He could go from 0 to 105 in 1 second flat. But he would release his frustration, and then as quick as it happened, it was COMPLETELY over.
His sister loved to drag him everywhere. All of her friends used Mike as a puppet. They would make up plays and dance shows, and he was the one they controlled. He didn't seem to mind, he had a natural ability to flip, roll, do hand stands, and jump higher than kids twice his age. We all thought he had springs in his heels. A natural athlete.
As time went on, she became bitter at the way our lives were, and Michael just hung in there as if there was nothing ever wrong. Mommy was just crazy, and so was life. And yes, I feel terrible about that. I wished nothing more than normalcy for my children, unfortunately, their one biggest downfall, they were born to me.
I have never been the best mother, nor have I ever claimed to be. But the one thing I can tell you without reservation, my children saved me, especially Michael.
When I told you he was born with a light, almost angelic, I wasn't lying. I was chosen to have Michael, just as I was chosen to have my other children. But Michael has been different. He has endured so much, even things I didn't do, and come out on the side of compassion, mercy and love. He never has a bad word to say about anyone or anything, he is a rock. He lights up a room when he walks in, and you feel at peace around him. It is an amazing quality, that I am sure we wish we all had.
Michael Powell has grown into a man now, and a husband, and a father. All three of which he has kinda got a knack for. I am not proud of Michael, I am in awe. All he is, I assure you, is in spite of me.
Remember I told you he was named after someone special to me? Well I have to give credit where credit is due. Michael Reid Ballentine and Powell Locklair are his name sakes. Two of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know, and still, miss dearly. But fear not Michael and Powell, little Michael is making us all proud, more than anyone could have ever imagined.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Yes, I did.: inprisoned heart
Yes, I did.: inprisoned heart: There are a few of you out there that actually know me, but most that don't. I, in no way claim to be a writer of any sort, but being ab...
inprisoned heart
There are a few of you out there that actually know me, but most that don't. I, in no way claim to be a writer of any sort, but being able to share my thoughts, as random as they may be, helps me get through my life. My hope is that I may make you giggle, think, or just take your mind off your own bullshit long enough to help. If reading my thoughts doesn't do it for you......then STOP... No one is making you read this crap. And I realize putting out there for everyone, opens the door for people to criticize me, and that's is fine with me. My thought is if you are picking on me, you're leaving someone else alone.
Okay, enough of all that blah, blah, blah boring crap and let's get back to what this is really about. Okay? OOOkaaayy!
About 23 years ago I was pregnant with a little boy. Much like everyone else' pregnancies, it had it ups and downs. Until one day my water broke. I was 5 months pregnant with my little guy and the doctor didn't give us much hope. In fact, they asked me what I wanted to do with his body after the process had completed itself. Lying there in the hospital bead, my head was spinning, and all I could think was how much I wanted a shot of vodka. Not that I am an alcoholic, it was so overwhelming I just couldn't seem to process it. And no, I did not take a shot of vodka. I just dealt with it the best I could. There were no tears, but I was scared to death. I could feel my insides shaking. But, a miracle happened.
I swear it was incredible. I didn't abort. I had lost 98 percent of my amniotic fluid, and the doctor said it was impossible for me not to spontaneously abort my little guy, but I didn't.
A couple of days went by, and they sent me home to total bed rest and a regimen of drugs. The thought was, we would do what we could, but nature would ultimately take it's course. Four months later, we scheduled a c-section. He was breach, but unbelievably healthy. It really was a true miracle.
Even my OB-GYN said the case made it in the AMA. My little man's fame had already begun.
Fast track up to his school years. He was smart, and funny. Everyone loved being around him. He made friends of all ages, and was a natural salesman. We always joked that he'd be the perfect lawyer, because not only was he personable, but he could make you BELIEVE anything. Yes, he lied, A LOT! It seemed to be a game to him. And when he was little, he would be punished for telling lies, but it just didn't seem to matter. Because the one that he was being punished for, was funny to him. It was the other 70 he got away with that made him feel like a champ.
Needless to say, if this behavior was steered in the right direction, we may have had a possibility of saving him. But unfortunately it wasn't. My over the top sense of him actually being alive, never went away. He had complications because of his hard birth and became susceptible to Kowasaki;s Disease, in which he almost died, yet AGAIN. So no, I sucked at punishing him, and I sucked at anything other that being thankful he was alive. Yes, I helped create a MONSTER.
Did I mention he learned to lie, very, very well? Yep, and add an incredible dose of ADHD on top of everything I've already told you. Well, you could say, we had many adventures.
My little guy turned into a big guy. A very big guy with no sense of "NO". And when you will not accept NO as an answer, you begin to act out. Acting out as a teenager gets you sent to Juvenile Hall. Acting out as a 19 year old, gets you sent to prison. So, yes, my guy, my son, my heart is now locked away in prison. He deserves the punishment, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I failed him, because I loved him the wrong way. It's good to have gratitude, but when it gets in the way of parenting, it is and was a dis-service to my child.
He is almost 23 now, and will be up for parole in 2016. I still believe he is a miracle, and believe that something ridiculously awesome will come from this. It's been a long hard road to get here, and hopefully, when he is home, we both will love from place that is healthy. Until then, part of my heart is still in prison, waiting for a chance to be the miracle he was meant to be.
Okay, enough of all that blah, blah, blah boring crap and let's get back to what this is really about. Okay? OOOkaaayy!
About 23 years ago I was pregnant with a little boy. Much like everyone else' pregnancies, it had it ups and downs. Until one day my water broke. I was 5 months pregnant with my little guy and the doctor didn't give us much hope. In fact, they asked me what I wanted to do with his body after the process had completed itself. Lying there in the hospital bead, my head was spinning, and all I could think was how much I wanted a shot of vodka. Not that I am an alcoholic, it was so overwhelming I just couldn't seem to process it. And no, I did not take a shot of vodka. I just dealt with it the best I could. There were no tears, but I was scared to death. I could feel my insides shaking. But, a miracle happened.
I swear it was incredible. I didn't abort. I had lost 98 percent of my amniotic fluid, and the doctor said it was impossible for me not to spontaneously abort my little guy, but I didn't.
A couple of days went by, and they sent me home to total bed rest and a regimen of drugs. The thought was, we would do what we could, but nature would ultimately take it's course. Four months later, we scheduled a c-section. He was breach, but unbelievably healthy. It really was a true miracle.
Even my OB-GYN said the case made it in the AMA. My little man's fame had already begun.
Fast track up to his school years. He was smart, and funny. Everyone loved being around him. He made friends of all ages, and was a natural salesman. We always joked that he'd be the perfect lawyer, because not only was he personable, but he could make you BELIEVE anything. Yes, he lied, A LOT! It seemed to be a game to him. And when he was little, he would be punished for telling lies, but it just didn't seem to matter. Because the one that he was being punished for, was funny to him. It was the other 70 he got away with that made him feel like a champ.
Needless to say, if this behavior was steered in the right direction, we may have had a possibility of saving him. But unfortunately it wasn't. My over the top sense of him actually being alive, never went away. He had complications because of his hard birth and became susceptible to Kowasaki;s Disease, in which he almost died, yet AGAIN. So no, I sucked at punishing him, and I sucked at anything other that being thankful he was alive. Yes, I helped create a MONSTER.
Did I mention he learned to lie, very, very well? Yep, and add an incredible dose of ADHD on top of everything I've already told you. Well, you could say, we had many adventures.
My little guy turned into a big guy. A very big guy with no sense of "NO". And when you will not accept NO as an answer, you begin to act out. Acting out as a teenager gets you sent to Juvenile Hall. Acting out as a 19 year old, gets you sent to prison. So, yes, my guy, my son, my heart is now locked away in prison. He deserves the punishment, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I failed him, because I loved him the wrong way. It's good to have gratitude, but when it gets in the way of parenting, it is and was a dis-service to my child.
He is almost 23 now, and will be up for parole in 2016. I still believe he is a miracle, and believe that something ridiculously awesome will come from this. It's been a long hard road to get here, and hopefully, when he is home, we both will love from place that is healthy. Until then, part of my heart is still in prison, waiting for a chance to be the miracle he was meant to be.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Yes, I did.: kindness matters
Yes, I did.: kindness matters: I have noticed lately that kindness is either taken for granted or mistaken for a flaw. None of which is true. We all deserve kindness from ...
kindness matters
I have noticed lately that kindness is either taken for granted or mistaken for a flaw. None of which is true. We all deserve kindness from our fellow man, but more often than not we do not get it. I am sure it is all because of the first sentence I wrote.
As humans we learn so much by action. You put you hand on the stove and it's hot, you probably wont make that mistake again. You lend a friend money never to see the money or what you thought was your friend again. Time after time we are burnt, and usually because we were kind or ignorant.
Well I believe it to be the latter.
Ignorance is bliss isn't it? As long as we proclaim we didn't "think" such a scenario would occur, we by reasoning can claim "ignorance". Ignorance is in no way to be confused with insanity or stupidity, right? Wrong!!!
Let's , for the sake of argument throw one of these scenarios at the wall and see if it sticks..Are you with me? Okay then let's proceed.
I, being of what I assume to be of sane mind and body, ask someone I think a great deal of for help. Now let's say, 9 out of ten times, I have been let down by this person. But because "I" want to trust this person, I believe, yet again, this person will do what she says she will do. Can I now, once again being let down, claim ignorance to the fact this person is unreliable? Well of course not. But who is to blame here. Me, knowing that I can't count on this person's word, or the person who keeps breaking the commitment? I have to argue, it would most definitely be "ME".
I know by now you think I am off track, but stick with me, you'll see my most undeniable point surface soon.
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME, and me again and again. That's usually the basic need of most humans, to, as always, satisfy a need to please, ME. Not me silly. Each one of us think of ourselves first. If you ask someone for help, it's for you. You help someone, then they owe you a favor. It always falls back to the center of your universe....and my friend, we are all guilty. The center of our universe is usually ourselves. I believe in scientific terms, the ID.
Now, here we are at my point. Kindness, yes true kindness isn't about me, or you. It is simply about our compassion for our fellow man. Unfortunately, we are a society that has not grown out of the ID part of our lives. I don't have the answer to why that is, but I can only speculate how it may have happened.
We as parents are not teaching our children coping skills to become adults. We are not letting them take responsibility for their actions, pay their way, or feel their way through raw emotion. It is, I believe, a problem that has to be stopped.
As a nation, we have all done away with basic principles to raising our children. We make excuses for everything they do. I for one am tired of hearing issues are because of their mom or dad. Really? You are forty years old, can't keep a job and still blame your parents for being a sorry excuse? We have to take back our rolls as parents and parent our children, or unfortunately the ID's of the world will never know how to be kind or compassionate. It's through mistakes that we learn.
So now, what did I do about my STUPIDITY? Well, because I became angry, I knew I could no longer be kind, so I stepped away. The person suffering from the ID complex is someone that I failed. I always made excuses for her, always stepped in and tried to fight her battles. In retrospect, because I failed, I tried to overextend myself on her behalf. She learned from me, she didn't have to be responsible, and hurting people was no big deal, I would always make an excuse for it. It is and will remain all about her until she grows out of her ID state I created.
People, if we don't start taking back parenting, and stop letting this crazy world dictate to us it is acceptable to make excuses for our children, kindness and compassion may be lost forever. I can't live with that.
I will forever try, to show kindness and compassion where ever I can. I will try harder, even if it is a bit uncomfortable, to recognize ignorance and stupidity for what they truly are. But most of all, I will let my children take responsibility for their lives. I want nothing more for them but to be kind and compassionate humans, and that is where they must grow out of their ID complex. That is a journey only they can make, without excuses.
So in closing, my kindness? To love without fail, but to let go because the lessons they learn will teach them to, love without fail.
As humans we learn so much by action. You put you hand on the stove and it's hot, you probably wont make that mistake again. You lend a friend money never to see the money or what you thought was your friend again. Time after time we are burnt, and usually because we were kind or ignorant.
Well I believe it to be the latter.
Ignorance is bliss isn't it? As long as we proclaim we didn't "think" such a scenario would occur, we by reasoning can claim "ignorance". Ignorance is in no way to be confused with insanity or stupidity, right? Wrong!!!
Let's , for the sake of argument throw one of these scenarios at the wall and see if it sticks..Are you with me? Okay then let's proceed.
I, being of what I assume to be of sane mind and body, ask someone I think a great deal of for help. Now let's say, 9 out of ten times, I have been let down by this person. But because "I" want to trust this person, I believe, yet again, this person will do what she says she will do. Can I now, once again being let down, claim ignorance to the fact this person is unreliable? Well of course not. But who is to blame here. Me, knowing that I can't count on this person's word, or the person who keeps breaking the commitment? I have to argue, it would most definitely be "ME".
I know by now you think I am off track, but stick with me, you'll see my most undeniable point surface soon.
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME, and me again and again. That's usually the basic need of most humans, to, as always, satisfy a need to please, ME. Not me silly. Each one of us think of ourselves first. If you ask someone for help, it's for you. You help someone, then they owe you a favor. It always falls back to the center of your universe....and my friend, we are all guilty. The center of our universe is usually ourselves. I believe in scientific terms, the ID.
Now, here we are at my point. Kindness, yes true kindness isn't about me, or you. It is simply about our compassion for our fellow man. Unfortunately, we are a society that has not grown out of the ID part of our lives. I don't have the answer to why that is, but I can only speculate how it may have happened.
We as parents are not teaching our children coping skills to become adults. We are not letting them take responsibility for their actions, pay their way, or feel their way through raw emotion. It is, I believe, a problem that has to be stopped.
As a nation, we have all done away with basic principles to raising our children. We make excuses for everything they do. I for one am tired of hearing issues are because of their mom or dad. Really? You are forty years old, can't keep a job and still blame your parents for being a sorry excuse? We have to take back our rolls as parents and parent our children, or unfortunately the ID's of the world will never know how to be kind or compassionate. It's through mistakes that we learn.
So now, what did I do about my STUPIDITY? Well, because I became angry, I knew I could no longer be kind, so I stepped away. The person suffering from the ID complex is someone that I failed. I always made excuses for her, always stepped in and tried to fight her battles. In retrospect, because I failed, I tried to overextend myself on her behalf. She learned from me, she didn't have to be responsible, and hurting people was no big deal, I would always make an excuse for it. It is and will remain all about her until she grows out of her ID state I created.
People, if we don't start taking back parenting, and stop letting this crazy world dictate to us it is acceptable to make excuses for our children, kindness and compassion may be lost forever. I can't live with that.
I will forever try, to show kindness and compassion where ever I can. I will try harder, even if it is a bit uncomfortable, to recognize ignorance and stupidity for what they truly are. But most of all, I will let my children take responsibility for their lives. I want nothing more for them but to be kind and compassionate humans, and that is where they must grow out of their ID complex. That is a journey only they can make, without excuses.
So in closing, my kindness? To love without fail, but to let go because the lessons they learn will teach them to, love without fail.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Yes, I did.: Giant leap of faith
Yes, I did.: Giant leap of faith: I know it seems cliche', the whole "leap of faith" saying, but it's true. At the very time my life seemed to be on the rig...
Giant leap of faith
I know it seems cliche', the whole "leap of faith" saying, but it's true. At the very time my life seemed to be on the right path, there it was, this crazy idea, that somehow, I felt was possible. Wasn't exactly sure how I was going to manage, but I was excited all the same. I put everything on the line to make my dream a reality. Did I say EVERYTHING?
Opening a business in today's world seems out of focus and completely crazy, but I have to work. Finding suitable work in the small town we moved to was out of the question. I have always been a creator, and nothing else has ever really filled that void in me, or made me want to get up and go to work. Working for other people in Charleston, SC was fine, but definitely not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Living and working for their dreams was just utter bullshit. I was taken advantage of, lied to, shoved under to many buses to count, and I was emotionally exhausted. I started to hate work, and that's just not me. So moving to this little town, I had the opportunity once again, to help someone else' dreams come true. Well, not this time sissy. I was on my own and ready.
I am a very lucky woman to be able to say, my husbands family is incredible! Not many girls will say they have a great mother in law, but I can and do. I love my father in law like my own father, and that is a tremendous gift I do no take for granted! Without this extreme support, and dinners, and frozen goodies, and the list goes on, we couldn't even begin to work toward this wonderful, scary dream.
On this miraculous journey, many things have come to fruition. First, we are here, Garden House Floral Studio exists! Okay, with that being said, creating this little shop was the easy part. Everything, and I mean, everything fell into place. Second, getting noticed by the locals, not so much. Yep, I live in a little town, and it has all the joys, AND quirks, all little towns suffer. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way it works. Have you ever watched "Heart of Dixie"? Well I feel like Dr. Hart, on steroids. I have learned, I have to earn their trust, and that just takes a while. I have faith in my ability to provide this town with an outstanding product, now "THEY" need time to have the same faith. OH, by the way, THEY WILL!
Since I opened several months ago, I have managed to gain some fans for my fan club, but there is more to be done. I do not wish to put anyone out of business or trample their sense of well being, but I do plan earning the respect and business of many more locals. I opened this business because I love what I do and I love the creative vibe that "IS" Garden House. I am still small, and can handle most daily affairs by myself, but that's changing. I will need help soon. So, yes, I am growing, slowly but surely!
I am a resident of this small town, and will surely be considered a local before too long. I think that's the day I will call my graduation. That is the day, my giant leap of faith will truly be worthwhile.
I know I can be what this town expects of me, and I expect that I may even surprise some of the locals. I have much to give, and so much learn. But I AM HERE! That's it.
So in my giant leap of faith, I opened a business in a small town, where no-one really knew me. Am I insane? Nope, I love this town, and I want nothing more than to find my dreams coming true here, with some of the kindest, most generous, caring people I have ever met. I have much to offer, and a lot to say, and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be to share what I have. In, my giant leap of faith, I drug my Brailsford family along for the ride. It's been bumpy, but like all fun rides, that's what makes it exciting!
So here's to this wonderful small town, my giant leap of faith, and to everyone who has ever had a dream. It's always good to feel a little fear, it reminds us to live, fight for what we want, and always be grateful for the people who love us! I am getting ready to rock this place out! You can either join my dance, or stay glued to the wall. Either way.....I am rocking on, and spreading the pretty!
Opening a business in today's world seems out of focus and completely crazy, but I have to work. Finding suitable work in the small town we moved to was out of the question. I have always been a creator, and nothing else has ever really filled that void in me, or made me want to get up and go to work. Working for other people in Charleston, SC was fine, but definitely not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Living and working for their dreams was just utter bullshit. I was taken advantage of, lied to, shoved under to many buses to count, and I was emotionally exhausted. I started to hate work, and that's just not me. So moving to this little town, I had the opportunity once again, to help someone else' dreams come true. Well, not this time sissy. I was on my own and ready.
I am a very lucky woman to be able to say, my husbands family is incredible! Not many girls will say they have a great mother in law, but I can and do. I love my father in law like my own father, and that is a tremendous gift I do no take for granted! Without this extreme support, and dinners, and frozen goodies, and the list goes on, we couldn't even begin to work toward this wonderful, scary dream.
On this miraculous journey, many things have come to fruition. First, we are here, Garden House Floral Studio exists! Okay, with that being said, creating this little shop was the easy part. Everything, and I mean, everything fell into place. Second, getting noticed by the locals, not so much. Yep, I live in a little town, and it has all the joys, AND quirks, all little towns suffer. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way it works. Have you ever watched "Heart of Dixie"? Well I feel like Dr. Hart, on steroids. I have learned, I have to earn their trust, and that just takes a while. I have faith in my ability to provide this town with an outstanding product, now "THEY" need time to have the same faith. OH, by the way, THEY WILL!
Since I opened several months ago, I have managed to gain some fans for my fan club, but there is more to be done. I do not wish to put anyone out of business or trample their sense of well being, but I do plan earning the respect and business of many more locals. I opened this business because I love what I do and I love the creative vibe that "IS" Garden House. I am still small, and can handle most daily affairs by myself, but that's changing. I will need help soon. So, yes, I am growing, slowly but surely!
I am a resident of this small town, and will surely be considered a local before too long. I think that's the day I will call my graduation. That is the day, my giant leap of faith will truly be worthwhile.
I know I can be what this town expects of me, and I expect that I may even surprise some of the locals. I have much to give, and so much learn. But I AM HERE! That's it.
So in my giant leap of faith, I opened a business in a small town, where no-one really knew me. Am I insane? Nope, I love this town, and I want nothing more than to find my dreams coming true here, with some of the kindest, most generous, caring people I have ever met. I have much to offer, and a lot to say, and I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be to share what I have. In, my giant leap of faith, I drug my Brailsford family along for the ride. It's been bumpy, but like all fun rides, that's what makes it exciting!
So here's to this wonderful small town, my giant leap of faith, and to everyone who has ever had a dream. It's always good to feel a little fear, it reminds us to live, fight for what we want, and always be grateful for the people who love us! I am getting ready to rock this place out! You can either join my dance, or stay glued to the wall. Either way.....I am rocking on, and spreading the pretty!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Isn't it Funny
Life is funny. We get fat, we get skinny. One day you cut all of your hair off, the nest you're growing it out. Some days I feel like a...
