Monday, March 12, 2018

Whoops, I did it Again


So here I go with therapy again. By the way, this is much cheaper than telling some therapist the things I already know, and I know how to manage my way through.

Managing depression has been a life long struggle for me and at least at this age I know racking up more hours with a new therapist will only bring me back to where I started when I felt somewhat healthy. Healthy is a relative term. It means so many different things to so many different people. You can ask your neighbor how they feel, and the answer will likely be, "ok", "good", or "oh you know, can't complain". All the while you know that's just a feeble answer that likely mocks or masks their true feelings. We would probably define that type answer as normal. No body really wants outsiders delving into the horror show we call our minds. We all think irrational thoughts from time to time, or tell that someone off in the shower while we are alone. I find shower therapy very helpful. You can tell that person or persons every thing you wish you could say to their face. It's kind of freeing. But then, you are really face to face with them and boom, all that shit just come racing back.

I find my problem of depression has changed the way it attacks me. These days it seems to come from no where, and I become physically ill, as well as sad and long spells of crying and inability to cope with main stream activities. And now, being of a certain age, it kind of sneaks up on me. It sneaks up on me because I now have a normal life (NORMAL HA) and I have so many things that keep me busy. I usually feel very content, and I hum along at a normal pace getting done the things that demand my attention. Like every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. But see, I also don't have the normality's of every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. I do, however, pretend well, and that's where it gets me!

I won't go into all the whys and the how's, but I will say this, I know now I load all the things that bother me into this little space. It's a little space in the backside of all the other thoughts and it stays there until, BOOM! Something, or someone triggers it. This time, my trigger was the past. The past I hadn't really dealt with. It was some hard shit I had to face. My heart had been broken twice. I just tried to put the pain in the back corner and find the good in what became of it. Even though there has been good, there had been a lot of ugly I just didn't want to deal with. I thought somehow I could rearrange the events and make it a better outcome. But the truth was it was ugly, hard, excruciating pain. Pain that actually opened pain from many years ago.

My mother wasn't a great mom. In fact she was pretty awful. Then I met another woman who kind of reminded me of her, so look out, second chance here we come. Well, she was pretty awful too. I kept looking for acceptense from mother figure women. (and that's a whole other story) And of course these women that I would admire, would all let me down. But that's who they were. they weren't good people, they had all failed at being mothers, but that is why I was drawn to them. I needed to be accepeted from people who would never accept me. It would cure me, and I would finally prove I was worthy. Well, it didn't work that way. Honeslty, I guess this last one did a number on me I just couldn't make right. I had to feel it comletely in order to move past it. And feel it,  I have, and i had to realize my broken heart had to heal, and heal in an absolute manner.

I am on the mend now. I am starting to feel better and better. Truth is, I will always miss those women, including my mother, but i have to remember my worth is not connected to them. Nice, good people don't treat others like what I experianced. No matter! Now for me to remember that.....

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