Isn't it Funny

 Life is funny. We get fat, we get skinny. One day you cut all of your hair off, the nest you're growing it out. Some days I feel like a writer, others it's all I can do to put words in the correct order. The one thing I know for sure, I'm a floral artist, who loves really good food, going to the gym, decorating my beautiful shop, and loves my family fiercely. 

Our family isn't perfect. Matter of fact, we are all a liitle crazy. My boys are both moving forward in life, and neither in the same way. My daughter dances to music none of us hears. She is her own person, and we have to accept that. It's all okay, not perfect, but simply OKAY.

Recently I had some, well, step siblings from my birth mother's family contact me. It went one week apart, each on a Tuesday, for 3 consecutive weeks. Not sure how I feel. I 'd like to know them, but not to make the birth mother mad, just because they interest me. I was adopted into a family and had an adopted brother. He didn't die. He stole, lied, and broke any type of a relationship we could ever have. So, I guess in some way, he is dead, at least to me. So possibly having a relationship with the 3 steps could be lovely. All the same they inetersst me. I am pleasently curious. And we are all in a position that stealing is no option, unless we steal a little of each others time.

I don't know if you believe in blessings, but I do. The past 6 years that I have owned my own business and it has been a wild ride. At first I wasn't sure if we were even going to make it. Well, isn't it funny, my shop has turned into an incredible blessing. We've grown so much. Moved her (as I refer to my shop)into a beautiful building we reno'd. Added inventory, added help, added customers, and added life. She makes me happy. Almost like another child I've seen mature into a beautiful entity. 

This little town has been such an inigma. At first I thought I'd never fit. And now, this is my town, I live here and I love it. I don't ever want to move. Period!

Life is constantly throwing those damn curve balls. When we least expect the wonder of life to lift us, there we are floating on love, compassion, and gratitude. Isn't it funny, life is life. And you'd better learn to surf, because all amazing things come in waves. See, isn't it funny?

Ps...I am laughing my ass off....SPELLCHECK IS GONE...sorry... this is all for my brain anywho...and I am not rechecking my work...lol have fun grammar police..I would insert an emoji here..it would be the little crazy one. The ennddddd!

    

the I'm Sorry Note.

This is really an I'm sorry note, so reading this might be kind of boring for you.

There is a person from my past that I still miss from time to time. I miss the friendship, the vacation days, long drives down dirt roads, and the amazement of the life we took in.

My heart always skipped a beat when I was around them. The pure sight of them raised me 10 feet off the floor. The giggle of the mischief still makes me smile. But then it changed. The moments became eternity. The sound of your voice was horrid. All I heard were lies, all I saw was hurt.

I tried to overcome it, see your reasons, feel you want me. But I couldn't. It all fell apart, I fell apart. We fell apart.

I tried to listen as our plans got cancelled again and again, for ONE MORE, once in a lifetime trip. Entertaining your friends overnight, even if they were women. I know I should have understood that you were JUST FRIENDS. I really did try to understand.

The late nights, you'd stumble in drunk, only to wake up the next morning and ask me how you ended up at my house. But hey, you always said thanks and you loved me for taking care of you. Those words only left your lips as you were leaving. But I really did try to understand.

When you left me to go and find yourself, I tried to understand. You couldn't come back home, even to see me in ICU.. I really did try to understand.

When you couldn't understand that I had just had enough, I tried to understand.

But now, we live other lives. So completely different from what was. Now, I understand.

I am only sorry that I didn't understand earlier....I am so, so, sorry.

All in the Family

We have all had, been, or known a mother in law. Some are their child's betrothed best friend, some are tolerated, some are loved as an additional mom, and some, at times less than likable.

I am a mother in law. I hope, and also try to be very good to my daughter in law. I have failed along the way, but have tried really hard to learn from those failures. Let me just say, it's hard to share what was all yours for so many years, but you have to learn to let them be grown ups and live how they decide to live. Change is hard, but is also necessary. We as mothers just have to learn to be better at giving them the space they need. (I say as a tear drips down my face)

I have seen some mother in laws (my father's mother in law) that were despicable. I saw the hardships put upon people that were intolerable. I saw mother in laws who truly thought they were dictators and demanded everyone adhere. I've seen mother in laws speak so poorly of there son or daughters partners that you'd have thought their partners had to be criminals. We've all experienced some sort of monster in laws.

I've seen the ups, downs and in between of what should be family loving one another. As a mother in law myself, I'm guilty. I try to remind myself that these are the people my children chose, and I try very hard to understand that just because I may not find everything just so, they are happy. That's the important part. For that I will always be grateful.

I've been married a couple of times. My first mother in law, to this day, tells people I raped my husband and that's how we had a child. It used to bother me, but now, we all get a good laugh out of it. My mother in law now is difficult to say the least. I know she cares for me, but I also know that she does not like me. As a result of this difficult situation, I just keep my distance. Wanna know why?

Let's start a new paragraph for this little story, lol.

When my husband and I first met, we both had children and decided to blend our families. Wow what a disaster. My daughter was already out of the house and starting her own family so it was just my two boys and me. My husband has a daughter that is the same age as my oldest son. So we thought, blindly, that the situation would be, at least, promising. NOPE. My boys immediately like my husband and treated him with lots of respect and admiration. His daughter hated my guts and reminded me on a daily bases. His daughter hated all of us, so much in fact, we kept our own water supplies in our rooms, and would not drink or eat anything she had access to. Scary I know, but we kept trying. Nothing made her happy and we all know, misery loves company.

Time went by, and I found myself carting his daughter everywhere she wanted to go. I bought her cloths (that of course she hated), tried to cook meals that she would like, went to school meetings, I mean the list is extensive. Nothing worked.

In comes the mother in law. She came to our home(which was mine, they moved in with me) with Dukes mayo and tomato pie, that she quickly informed my children and me, were NOT for us to eat, but for her son and her granddaughter. Ok, I get it, but it didn't stop there. My children were never included in her Christmas's and she always wanted us there. I came to the realization it was just to show us who mattered to her, and who did not. It broke my kids hearts.I have to say, after 15 years, she finally includes them. Better late than never I suppose.

When my husband and I were actually married, we went to the justice of the peace and had a very small civil ceremony. We were happy with that, but his mom insisted that they would love to throw us a little party. We agreed and went to the party only to find my husbands ex wife and his old cake topper on OUR cake. That spoke volumes to me, and I have to say it is extremely hard for me to let that go.

Well on to like now. His daughter has grown up and married and has 2 children. She lives several states away, so we really don't see them much. However, her oldest child comes for a visit every summer and stays several weeks. Last year the visit was being discussed and I made mention that I had already made plans for the week she wanted to bring her and asked if it would be alright to wait toward the end of the week so that I would have time to be with her. It was all agreed upon, and then BOOM. My husbands mother and his daughter changed everything and because I found this VERY disrespectful, their answer to the problem was to ban me from seeing my granddaughter. She was literally 3 houses away and they would not let me talk to her or see her.

Moving on to this year. Again our granddaughter comes for a visit, only for us to find out she was self harming and going through a multitude of things. We ALL(including the mother in law) were very concerned for her. After talking to my husbands daughter, it all became a shit show. Per the usual, the mother in law decided that I was lying about my stepdaughter and decided to take sides. And we all know who's side she picked. Yep, so we haven't spoken in 2 weeks.

My husband is just as much to blame. He has NEVER stood up for me against the attacks. I am literally sick to death of all this unnecessary bull crap. But the problem here is no one EVER asks my side. They all jump on the band wagon and assume I am to blame. I never say any different. I keep my mouth shut, and just keep on keeping on. I am honestly about to loose my mind with an 80 something year old woman and my husbands daughter.  But I don't want to be that person. But after fifteen years of nothing but bullshit, I really don't know what else to do, but publish this.

So......here it is. and here's to all the mother in laws that are kind and even the one that aren't!

Villainous Ramblings of the Step Monster

So years have gone by and nothing really has changed other than we are all older. In her mind, I am still the villain, taker of her father, woman who sees more than she'd like, and step monster.

Years have gone by and I have tried to be different, loving and as understanding as humanly possible.

Years have faded my need to be accepted, loved or even like by her. The years have gone by, and still at least once a year I am reminded that you really needed your mom when you were little. You needed to be parented, you needed boundaries, you needed to learn how to accept NO as a complete sentence.

Now we are here, this year and now. I now completely understand that our relationship will never change. You also need to understand that I no longer care. I don't care when you're sad, hurt, happy, feeling loved, feeling overwhelmed or feeling contempt. I just simply have given up on you.

Years have gone by, now we are through.

Lessons, Love and the sexy beast

When I was young, my life was kind of crazy. My mom owned a flower shop and my father was a insurance man. They did well for our family. I thought that when I grew up my life would be showered in riches, well, just because. I was spoiled in the fact that I just never thought that I would suffer. I never thought it was possible that I'd be broke and asking a food bank to help feed my kids. I never realized that I just may be divorced, 3 kids, no child support and really, not enough education to make it out there in the real world. But that's exactly what happened.

My parents, really didn't prepare me for that because they never thought that would be my life. Hell, neither did I. I don't live that way any longer but it was my life. I had hard decisions to make, like, do I pay the light bill, or do I pay my car insurance. Do I marry this man because our lives would be better, even though he beats the hell out of me. Do I stay and take it, or do I leave? I came to a point where I realized living in a box, eating at a food bank and working 50-60 hour weeks to make ends meet, was a hell of a lot better than getting thrown around, put down, spit on, broken limbs, busted lips, and just plain let down.

By the time I was 27 I had all but lost faith in humanity. I didn't believe there were good men, just better than the last man. I was a mess and didn't trust anyone, and that included my family. All my family really knew about me was that I was a mess making one bad decision after another. They were kind of right, but what they didn't know, is that the best of me hadn't been lost, it was yet to come.

I always wanted to own a flower shop. Not for the reasons you think. Yes, I love this business, I mean truly love doing what I do. I wanted to own my shop because then I could no longer be pushed out, put down, let down, and I could be the master of my own destiny. I had the power to do things I knew to be good. I had the power to say NO. I know this seems a little drastic, but let me tell you this, when you give people the best of you and all you end up with is anger, somethings wrong. However, I learned from this. I learned the power of thank you. It goes a long way. True appreciation for your employees is important. Not as important to us as owners, but to them. They, just like me, want to do a good job. I have never found that people go to work just to feel used and worthless. But you tell them that what they do is important and appreciated, and what they give you in return is priceless.

I worked hard when I was a single parent and I was literally doing all I could do to get ahead.  Trying to give my children more than just bare necessities. To go to a job that causes you great stress and discomfort, ends up in you feeling less than and angry. And we all know if you're angry at your job, you sooner or later become unbearable to be around.

As I said I love this business. Simply love what I do. But I know I couldn't do it alone. Sure, there's a lot I can accomplish all by my little self, but that's not what it's about. It's about a team you create. sometimes your teammates must be replaced but that's okay. I have several stipulations to be a part of my team.
1) You must be a team player or be trainable to be a team player.
2) You MUST NOT be Eeyor. Your attitude is key!
3) You must not be offensive to any of your teammates. We all have a purpose and it is all important
4) You must like your job
5) Making our customers happy is our priority.
6) If there is a problem, we can talk about it, but not degrade anyone else that is on our team, PERIOD!
7) What other shops do is none of our business.....unless it really works and maybe we can implement some of their strategies, lol
8) Leave your work here and lets start fresh tomorrow.
9) This was my dream. I work 6-7 days a week because I chose this. It is my responsibility. I always appreciate your wanting to help build this baby into a full grown, sexy beast!

Number 9 means so much to me. My idea here is that I chose this path and I NEVER want anyone who helps me to get burned out. I get tired and some days want to sleep in, but this was the path I chose. I never expect more from anyone than I am willing to give myself. I also don't expect as much from them as I do myself. And this is where it gets good. They are always ready and willing. It's the craziest thing I have ever seen and I am honored to be in presence of women who love me and this business as much as I do. I'm telling you, all that nonsense I went through taught me valuable lessons. Lessons I took to heart. Thank God for that. Thank God I am who I am today.  Thank God there are people in my life exactly where I need them and they need me. We've got a good thing going on here.

This little shop has taught me confidence, love, respect and that it really does all get better. I described her(my shop) one day as my spoiled little 4 year old...just takes and takes, and then, out of nowhere, the gifts she(my shop) has given me are far more than I ever anticipated. It will always be give and take with her(my shop), but it's worth it. My journey that brought me here, at this very moment, was truly a broken road, but God did absolutely bless it with grace I have never known.
So wrapping this up, just one last word, GRATITUDE.

Expectations

Have you ever had your heart broken. Broken for no other reason than expectations. This seems to be the primary reason for most of my heartbreak. My expectations of peoples behaviors far outweighs their ability to perform. Sounds kind of like clowns in a circus, but in actuality, I am the clown.

My life has lead me down many different paths, and provided a lot of stimulus for maintaining a high standard in which my friends and family should adhere. I know, it's ridiculous, but aren't we all guilty of this. At some time in your life you've given of yourself and thought that it would surely be returned. Yeah, that makes us all clowns. And I guess this is the circus of our creation.

I assume, yes assume, that most people are provided at birth some since of  moral compass. Well, at 51, I finally realize that is just not the case. What I perceive to be OK and right, may not be the same for the other person or persons. I feel stealing is wrong, but to some, it just seems like another way to obtain things. I also don't like lying. I think by nature, it confuses and belittles us as human beings. Every animal in nature gets through life without lying, why then do humans feel it to be so necessary? It's much easier to be truthful, and just be real, than to make up a false persona and have to remember each and every step in said lie. Once a lie has been discovered, you can never be trusted again. And here's another thing, the people who lie, also get very angry when their lies have been discovered. It's like saying, "oh shit, you caught me, but it's YOUR fault for the disbelief. How dare you question me!". And sometimes, you, as the victim of the lie, don't you feel guilty for hurting the deceiver by knowing the truth? It's crazy!

Well, here I sit, one more time feeling guilty for knowing the truth. Knowing that I was used and lied to. The whole time, this person has shown me over and over who they are. That in the terms of a moral compass, they do not come equipped with one. If it's mine and you want it, you just take it. I feel guilty for hurting this person who, in their whole life, has always been a taker, a thief, and a liar. Someone said a sociopath. That may be.. but yet I still feel guilty. I was the one manipulated and lied to, and I feel guilty. Funny how those selfish asswipes can turn it all around on you, and funny how we let them.

It's time to pull up the big girl panties and face this nonsense head on. People only treat you how you teach them to treat you. If you look the other way and do not hold these people accountable, then they in turn, do not ever expect to be held accountable. I like to think I am caring, but I also realize by caring, my emotional blinders have been activated. Time to deactivate. Time to move forward and get on with life without having to feel guilty for being a decent human being.  Just because I care does not give anyone the right to abuse my kindness. Kindness will win. I will win!

Just remember, a liar is going to lie. A thief is going to steal, and your expectations will break your heart every time.

Whoops, I did it Again

So here I go with therapy again. By the way, this is much cheaper than telling some therapist the things I already know, and I know how to manage my way through.

Managing depression has been a life long struggle for me and at least at this age I know racking up more hours with a new therapist will only bring me back to where I started when I felt somewhat healthy. Healthy is a relative term. It means so many different things to so many different people. You can ask your neighbor how they feel, and the answer will likely be, "ok", "good", or "oh you know, can't complain". All the while you know that's just a feeble answer that likely mocks or masks their true feelings. We would probably define that type answer as normal. No body really wants outsiders delving into the horror show we call our minds. We all think irrational thoughts from time to time, or tell that someone off in the shower while we are alone. I find shower therapy very helpful. You can tell that person or persons every thing you wish you could say to their face. It's kind of freeing. But then, you are really face to face with them and boom, all that shit just come racing back.

I find my problem of depression has changed the way it attacks me. These days it seems to come from no where, and I become physically ill, as well as sad and long spells of crying and inability to cope with main stream activities. And now, being of a certain age, it kind of sneaks up on me. It sneaks up on me because I now have a normal life (NORMAL HA) and I have so many things that keep me busy. I usually feel very content, and I hum along at a normal pace getting done the things that demand my attention. Like every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. But see, I also don't have the normality's of every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. I do, however, pretend well, and that's where it gets me!

I won't go into all the whys and the how's, but I will say this, I know now I load all the things that bother me into this little space. It's a little space in the backside of all the other thoughts and it stays there until, BOOM! Something, or someone triggers it. This time, my trigger was the past. The past I hadn't really dealt with. It was some hard shit I had to face. My heart had been broken twice. I just tried to put the pain in the back corner and find the good in what became of it. Even though there has been good, there had been a lot of ugly I just didn't want to deal with. I thought somehow I could rearrange the events and make it a better outcome. But the truth was it was ugly, hard, excruciating pain. Pain that actually opened pain from many years ago.

My mother wasn't a great mom. In fact she was pretty awful. Then I met another woman who kind of reminded me of her, so look out, second chance here we come. Well, she was pretty awful too. I kept looking for acceptense from mother figure women. (and that's a whole other story) And of course these women that I would admire, would all let me down. But that's who they were. they weren't good people, they had all failed at being mothers, but that is why I was drawn to them. I needed to be accepeted from people who would never accept me. It would cure me, and I would finally prove I was worthy. Well, it didn't work that way. Honeslty, I guess this last one did a number on me I just couldn't make right. I had to feel it comletely in order to move past it. And feel it,  I have, and i had to realize my broken heart had to heal, and heal in an absolute manner.

I am on the mend now. I am starting to feel better and better. Truth is, I will always miss those women, including my mother, but i have to remember my worth is not connected to them. Nice, good people don't treat others like what I experianced. No matter! Now for me to remember that.....