Isn't it Funny

 Life is funny. We get fat, we get skinny. One day you cut all of your hair off, the nest you're growing it out. Some days I feel like a writer, others it's all I can do to put words in the correct order. The one thing I know for sure, I'm a floral artist, who loves really good food, going to the gym, decorating my beautiful shop, and loves my family fiercely. 

Our family isn't perfect. Matter of fact, we are all a liitle crazy. My boys are both moving forward in life, and neither in the same way. My daughter dances to music none of us hears. She is her own person, and we have to accept that. It's all okay, not perfect, but simply OKAY.

Recently I had some, well, step siblings from my birth mother's family contact me. It went one week apart, each on a Tuesday, for 3 consecutive weeks. Not sure how I feel. I 'd like to know them, but not to make the birth mother mad, just because they interest me. I was adopted into a family and had an adopted brother. He didn't die. He stole, lied, and broke any type of a relationship we could ever have. So, I guess in some way, he is dead, at least to me. So possibly having a relationship with the 3 steps could be lovely. All the same they inetersst me. I am pleasently curious. And we are all in a position that stealing is no option, unless we steal a little of each others time.

I don't know if you believe in blessings, but I do. The past 6 years that I have owned my own business and it has been a wild ride. At first I wasn't sure if we were even going to make it. Well, isn't it funny, my shop has turned into an incredible blessing. We've grown so much. Moved her (as I refer to my shop)into a beautiful building we reno'd. Added inventory, added help, added customers, and added life. She makes me happy. Almost like another child I've seen mature into a beautiful entity. 

This little town has been such an inigma. At first I thought I'd never fit. And now, this is my town, I live here and I love it. I don't ever want to move. Period!

Life is constantly throwing those damn curve balls. When we least expect the wonder of life to lift us, there we are floating on love, compassion, and gratitude. Isn't it funny, life is life. And you'd better learn to surf, because all amazing things come in waves. See, isn't it funny?

Ps...I am laughing my ass off....SPELLCHECK IS GONE...sorry... this is all for my brain anywho...and I am not rechecking my work...lol have fun grammar police..I would insert an emoji here..it would be the little crazy one. The ennddddd!

    

the I'm Sorry Note.

This is really an I'm sorry note, so reading this might be kind of boring for you.

There is a person from my past that I still miss from time to time. I miss the friendship, the vacation days, long drives down dirt roads, and the amazement of the life we took in.

My heart always skipped a beat when I was around them. The pure sight of them raised me 10 feet off the floor. The giggle of the mischief still makes me smile. But then it changed. The moments became eternity. The sound of your voice was horrid. All I heard were lies, all I saw was hurt.

I tried to overcome it, see your reasons, feel you want me. But I couldn't. It all fell apart, I fell apart. We fell apart.

I tried to listen as our plans got cancelled again and again, for ONE MORE, once in a lifetime trip. Entertaining your friends overnight, even if they were women. I know I should have understood that you were JUST FRIENDS. I really did try to understand.

The late nights, you'd stumble in drunk, only to wake up the next morning and ask me how you ended up at my house. But hey, you always said thanks and you loved me for taking care of you. Those words only left your lips as you were leaving. But I really did try to understand.

When you left me to go and find yourself, I tried to understand. You couldn't come back home, even to see me in ICU.. I really did try to understand.

When you couldn't understand that I had just had enough, I tried to understand.

But now, we live other lives. So completely different from what was. Now, I understand.

I am only sorry that I didn't understand earlier....I am so, so, sorry.

All in the Family

We have all had, been, or known a mother in law. Some are their child's betrothed best friend, some are tolerated, some are loved as an additional mom, and some, at times less than likable.

I am a mother in law. I hope, and also try to be very good to my daughter in law. I have failed along the way, but have tried really hard to learn from those failures. Let me just say, it's hard to share what was all yours for so many years, but you have to learn to let them be grown ups and live how they decide to live. Change is hard, but is also necessary. We as mothers just have to learn to be better at giving them the space they need. (I say as a tear drips down my face)

I have seen some mother in laws (my father's mother in law) that were despicable. I saw the hardships put upon people that were intolerable. I saw mother in laws who truly thought they were dictators and demanded everyone adhere. I've seen mother in laws speak so poorly of there son or daughters partners that you'd have thought their partners had to be criminals. We've all experienced some sort of monster in laws.

I've seen the ups, downs and in between of what should be family loving one another. As a mother in law myself, I'm guilty. I try to remind myself that these are the people my children chose, and I try very hard to understand that just because I may not find everything just so, they are happy. That's the important part. For that I will always be grateful.

I've been married a couple of times. My first mother in law, to this day, tells people I raped my husband and that's how we had a child. It used to bother me, but now, we all get a good laugh out of it. My mother in law now is difficult to say the least. I know she cares for me, but I also know that she does not like me. As a result of this difficult situation, I just keep my distance. Wanna know why?

Let's start a new paragraph for this little story, lol.

When my husband and I first met, we both had children and decided to blend our families. Wow what a disaster. My daughter was already out of the house and starting her own family so it was just my two boys and me. My husband has a daughter that is the same age as my oldest son. So we thought, blindly, that the situation would be, at least, promising. NOPE. My boys immediately like my husband and treated him with lots of respect and admiration. His daughter hated my guts and reminded me on a daily bases. His daughter hated all of us, so much in fact, we kept our own water supplies in our rooms, and would not drink or eat anything she had access to. Scary I know, but we kept trying. Nothing made her happy and we all know, misery loves company.

Time went by, and I found myself carting his daughter everywhere she wanted to go. I bought her cloths (that of course she hated), tried to cook meals that she would like, went to school meetings, I mean the list is extensive. Nothing worked.

In comes the mother in law. She came to our home(which was mine, they moved in with me) with Dukes mayo and tomato pie, that she quickly informed my children and me, were NOT for us to eat, but for her son and her granddaughter. Ok, I get it, but it didn't stop there. My children were never included in her Christmas's and she always wanted us there. I came to the realization it was just to show us who mattered to her, and who did not. It broke my kids hearts.I have to say, after 15 years, she finally includes them. Better late than never I suppose.

When my husband and I were actually married, we went to the justice of the peace and had a very small civil ceremony. We were happy with that, but his mom insisted that they would love to throw us a little party. We agreed and went to the party only to find my husbands ex wife and his old cake topper on OUR cake. That spoke volumes to me, and I have to say it is extremely hard for me to let that go.

Well on to like now. His daughter has grown up and married and has 2 children. She lives several states away, so we really don't see them much. However, her oldest child comes for a visit every summer and stays several weeks. Last year the visit was being discussed and I made mention that I had already made plans for the week she wanted to bring her and asked if it would be alright to wait toward the end of the week so that I would have time to be with her. It was all agreed upon, and then BOOM. My husbands mother and his daughter changed everything and because I found this VERY disrespectful, their answer to the problem was to ban me from seeing my granddaughter. She was literally 3 houses away and they would not let me talk to her or see her.

Moving on to this year. Again our granddaughter comes for a visit, only for us to find out she was self harming and going through a multitude of things. We ALL(including the mother in law) were very concerned for her. After talking to my husbands daughter, it all became a shit show. Per the usual, the mother in law decided that I was lying about my stepdaughter and decided to take sides. And we all know who's side she picked. Yep, so we haven't spoken in 2 weeks.

My husband is just as much to blame. He has NEVER stood up for me against the attacks. I am literally sick to death of all this unnecessary bull crap. But the problem here is no one EVER asks my side. They all jump on the band wagon and assume I am to blame. I never say any different. I keep my mouth shut, and just keep on keeping on. I am honestly about to loose my mind with an 80 something year old woman and my husbands daughter.  But I don't want to be that person. But after fifteen years of nothing but bullshit, I really don't know what else to do, but publish this.

So......here it is. and here's to all the mother in laws that are kind and even the one that aren't!

Villainous Ramblings of the Step Monster

So years have gone by and nothing really has changed other than we are all older. In her mind, I am still the villain, taker of her father, woman who sees more than she'd like, and step monster.

Years have gone by and I have tried to be different, loving and as understanding as humanly possible.

Years have faded my need to be accepted, loved or even like by her. The years have gone by, and still at least once a year I am reminded that you really needed your mom when you were little. You needed to be parented, you needed boundaries, you needed to learn how to accept NO as a complete sentence.

Now we are here, this year and now. I now completely understand that our relationship will never change. You also need to understand that I no longer care. I don't care when you're sad, hurt, happy, feeling loved, feeling overwhelmed or feeling contempt. I just simply have given up on you.

Years have gone by, now we are through.

Lessons, Love and the sexy beast

When I was young, my life was kind of crazy. My mom owned a flower shop and my father was a insurance man. They did well for our family. I thought that when I grew up my life would be showered in riches, well, just because. I was spoiled in the fact that I just never thought that I would suffer. I never thought it was possible that I'd be broke and asking a food bank to help feed my kids. I never realized that I just may be divorced, 3 kids, no child support and really, not enough education to make it out there in the real world. But that's exactly what happened.

My parents, really didn't prepare me for that because they never thought that would be my life. Hell, neither did I. I don't live that way any longer but it was my life. I had hard decisions to make, like, do I pay the light bill, or do I pay my car insurance. Do I marry this man because our lives would be better, even though he beats the hell out of me. Do I stay and take it, or do I leave? I came to a point where I realized living in a box, eating at a food bank and working 50-60 hour weeks to make ends meet, was a hell of a lot better than getting thrown around, put down, spit on, broken limbs, busted lips, and just plain let down.

By the time I was 27 I had all but lost faith in humanity. I didn't believe there were good men, just better than the last man. I was a mess and didn't trust anyone, and that included my family. All my family really knew about me was that I was a mess making one bad decision after another. They were kind of right, but what they didn't know, is that the best of me hadn't been lost, it was yet to come.

I always wanted to own a flower shop. Not for the reasons you think. Yes, I love this business, I mean truly love doing what I do. I wanted to own my shop because then I could no longer be pushed out, put down, let down, and I could be the master of my own destiny. I had the power to do things I knew to be good. I had the power to say NO. I know this seems a little drastic, but let me tell you this, when you give people the best of you and all you end up with is anger, somethings wrong. However, I learned from this. I learned the power of thank you. It goes a long way. True appreciation for your employees is important. Not as important to us as owners, but to them. They, just like me, want to do a good job. I have never found that people go to work just to feel used and worthless. But you tell them that what they do is important and appreciated, and what they give you in return is priceless.

I worked hard when I was a single parent and I was literally doing all I could do to get ahead.  Trying to give my children more than just bare necessities. To go to a job that causes you great stress and discomfort, ends up in you feeling less than and angry. And we all know if you're angry at your job, you sooner or later become unbearable to be around.

As I said I love this business. Simply love what I do. But I know I couldn't do it alone. Sure, there's a lot I can accomplish all by my little self, but that's not what it's about. It's about a team you create. sometimes your teammates must be replaced but that's okay. I have several stipulations to be a part of my team.
1) You must be a team player or be trainable to be a team player.
2) You MUST NOT be Eeyor. Your attitude is key!
3) You must not be offensive to any of your teammates. We all have a purpose and it is all important
4) You must like your job
5) Making our customers happy is our priority.
6) If there is a problem, we can talk about it, but not degrade anyone else that is on our team, PERIOD!
7) What other shops do is none of our business.....unless it really works and maybe we can implement some of their strategies, lol
8) Leave your work here and lets start fresh tomorrow.
9) This was my dream. I work 6-7 days a week because I chose this. It is my responsibility. I always appreciate your wanting to help build this baby into a full grown, sexy beast!

Number 9 means so much to me. My idea here is that I chose this path and I NEVER want anyone who helps me to get burned out. I get tired and some days want to sleep in, but this was the path I chose. I never expect more from anyone than I am willing to give myself. I also don't expect as much from them as I do myself. And this is where it gets good. They are always ready and willing. It's the craziest thing I have ever seen and I am honored to be in presence of women who love me and this business as much as I do. I'm telling you, all that nonsense I went through taught me valuable lessons. Lessons I took to heart. Thank God for that. Thank God I am who I am today.  Thank God there are people in my life exactly where I need them and they need me. We've got a good thing going on here.

This little shop has taught me confidence, love, respect and that it really does all get better. I described her(my shop) one day as my spoiled little 4 year old...just takes and takes, and then, out of nowhere, the gifts she(my shop) has given me are far more than I ever anticipated. It will always be give and take with her(my shop), but it's worth it. My journey that brought me here, at this very moment, was truly a broken road, but God did absolutely bless it with grace I have never known.
So wrapping this up, just one last word, GRATITUDE.

Expectations

Have you ever had your heart broken. Broken for no other reason than expectations. This seems to be the primary reason for most of my heartbreak. My expectations of peoples behaviors far outweighs their ability to perform. Sounds kind of like clowns in a circus, but in actuality, I am the clown.

My life has lead me down many different paths, and provided a lot of stimulus for maintaining a high standard in which my friends and family should adhere. I know, it's ridiculous, but aren't we all guilty of this. At some time in your life you've given of yourself and thought that it would surely be returned. Yeah, that makes us all clowns. And I guess this is the circus of our creation.

I assume, yes assume, that most people are provided at birth some since of  moral compass. Well, at 51, I finally realize that is just not the case. What I perceive to be OK and right, may not be the same for the other person or persons. I feel stealing is wrong, but to some, it just seems like another way to obtain things. I also don't like lying. I think by nature, it confuses and belittles us as human beings. Every animal in nature gets through life without lying, why then do humans feel it to be so necessary? It's much easier to be truthful, and just be real, than to make up a false persona and have to remember each and every step in said lie. Once a lie has been discovered, you can never be trusted again. And here's another thing, the people who lie, also get very angry when their lies have been discovered. It's like saying, "oh shit, you caught me, but it's YOUR fault for the disbelief. How dare you question me!". And sometimes, you, as the victim of the lie, don't you feel guilty for hurting the deceiver by knowing the truth? It's crazy!

Well, here I sit, one more time feeling guilty for knowing the truth. Knowing that I was used and lied to. The whole time, this person has shown me over and over who they are. That in the terms of a moral compass, they do not come equipped with one. If it's mine and you want it, you just take it. I feel guilty for hurting this person who, in their whole life, has always been a taker, a thief, and a liar. Someone said a sociopath. That may be.. but yet I still feel guilty. I was the one manipulated and lied to, and I feel guilty. Funny how those selfish asswipes can turn it all around on you, and funny how we let them.

It's time to pull up the big girl panties and face this nonsense head on. People only treat you how you teach them to treat you. If you look the other way and do not hold these people accountable, then they in turn, do not ever expect to be held accountable. I like to think I am caring, but I also realize by caring, my emotional blinders have been activated. Time to deactivate. Time to move forward and get on with life without having to feel guilty for being a decent human being.  Just because I care does not give anyone the right to abuse my kindness. Kindness will win. I will win!

Just remember, a liar is going to lie. A thief is going to steal, and your expectations will break your heart every time.

Whoops, I did it Again

So here I go with therapy again. By the way, this is much cheaper than telling some therapist the things I already know, and I know how to manage my way through.

Managing depression has been a life long struggle for me and at least at this age I know racking up more hours with a new therapist will only bring me back to where I started when I felt somewhat healthy. Healthy is a relative term. It means so many different things to so many different people. You can ask your neighbor how they feel, and the answer will likely be, "ok", "good", or "oh you know, can't complain". All the while you know that's just a feeble answer that likely mocks or masks their true feelings. We would probably define that type answer as normal. No body really wants outsiders delving into the horror show we call our minds. We all think irrational thoughts from time to time, or tell that someone off in the shower while we are alone. I find shower therapy very helpful. You can tell that person or persons every thing you wish you could say to their face. It's kind of freeing. But then, you are really face to face with them and boom, all that shit just come racing back.

I find my problem of depression has changed the way it attacks me. These days it seems to come from no where, and I become physically ill, as well as sad and long spells of crying and inability to cope with main stream activities. And now, being of a certain age, it kind of sneaks up on me. It sneaks up on me because I now have a normal life (NORMAL HA) and I have so many things that keep me busy. I usually feel very content, and I hum along at a normal pace getting done the things that demand my attention. Like every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. But see, I also don't have the normality's of every other mom, wife, business owner, and etc.. I do, however, pretend well, and that's where it gets me!

I won't go into all the whys and the how's, but I will say this, I know now I load all the things that bother me into this little space. It's a little space in the backside of all the other thoughts and it stays there until, BOOM! Something, or someone triggers it. This time, my trigger was the past. The past I hadn't really dealt with. It was some hard shit I had to face. My heart had been broken twice. I just tried to put the pain in the back corner and find the good in what became of it. Even though there has been good, there had been a lot of ugly I just didn't want to deal with. I thought somehow I could rearrange the events and make it a better outcome. But the truth was it was ugly, hard, excruciating pain. Pain that actually opened pain from many years ago.

My mother wasn't a great mom. In fact she was pretty awful. Then I met another woman who kind of reminded me of her, so look out, second chance here we come. Well, she was pretty awful too. I kept looking for acceptense from mother figure women. (and that's a whole other story) And of course these women that I would admire, would all let me down. But that's who they were. they weren't good people, they had all failed at being mothers, but that is why I was drawn to them. I needed to be accepeted from people who would never accept me. It would cure me, and I would finally prove I was worthy. Well, it didn't work that way. Honeslty, I guess this last one did a number on me I just couldn't make right. I had to feel it comletely in order to move past it. And feel it,  I have, and i had to realize my broken heart had to heal, and heal in an absolute manner.

I am on the mend now. I am starting to feel better and better. Truth is, I will always miss those women, including my mother, but i have to remember my worth is not connected to them. Nice, good people don't treat others like what I experianced. No matter! Now for me to remember that.....

Sheep and Serpents

As I have said before, these are just my thoughts, scattered, mundane and sometimes tiresome. That's why I find this blog therapeutic.

I recently had what I thought was a friend message me to say she was thinking about me, and when my name came up at work (where she has my old job) she searched hard to still see the good in me. Well, isn't that just a high hill of nonsense. And, we must not forget the and, she saw good in me when I didn't see it in myself. Ok, everybody have their boots on? Oh, and she hoped the message found me well and with a glass of wine in my hand.

Oh serpent heart hid with flowering face. Yes, serpent! Let me shed a little light on this whole situation. If she were truly a friend, she'd know I haven't had a drink in almost a year. Not only that, she and her cohort, did everything they could to remove me from that old job. At the time, it broke my heart. But little did any of us know, I was onto bigger and better things. You also must keep this in perspective, this was over 4 years ago. So to feel as if any of those people mean two plops and a bug to me now is just absurd. What's even more absurd, is this simple girl with her smiles and lies always thought I believed her. NEVER did that ever happen. She started that, get rid of Helen, ball rolling the moment she walked herself into that business. And it still it takes 2 girls to do what I could do. So, whatever right? WRONG!

I have no idea why anyone at that place would even want to discuss the vileness they called Helen, among other names I am sure. Because, before that, I honestly hadn't really given them much thought. I occasionally would see pics of their work and usually like it. Truth be told, I don't like much of what they do, but it didn't matter, everyone deserves a kind word or thought. But no more. Me being nice to such loathsome humans is over. I should have cut that cord and let it be. I don't need them and they don't need me. But we all know after so many years it's hard to let go. But I guess it needed to be done.

But now to get to my point. I am a fairly reasonable human being and I often forgive just because forgiveness is much easier that holding onto all that. But it also wasn't just forgiveness, it was still holding on to what I knew, no matter how painful it was. I loved those people, and they were kinda like the family I didn't have anymore. But then I realized, that was all in my head. They in fact didn't care for or like me a bit. I was only as good as I was useful. When I didn't agree, and just take it on the chin, it was time for me to leave. So, I left.

I've opened my own business, my family is thriving, I am happy. So why now? Why open all that darkness up, just to make sure I know they don't care about me? Did they somehow think I was looking for their approval? Well now is time to set the record completely straight. I lied when I was there to keep someone else's secrets safe, I saw things, heard things, and know things that I will never tell. But I will tell you this, I never want to go back into that dysfunctional daycare! Island of misfit toys is safe from the evil villain lurking 60 miles away. I don't give a damn if the whole thing went up in smoke tomorrow, I have lost NOTHING there other than a little dignity. They asked me to leave and that is exactly what I did. I got on with my life, and my life is so much better now.

I look forward to getting up in the mornings and coming to what I created. Blood, sweat, tears and a lot of hard work and tenacity have brought me to where I am. I almost feel as if they are looking for me to apologies for being happy without them. I wanted to keep a door open, but I see now, that is impossible. By the way, just a little note to that girl who tried to see good in me, look in the mirror, its you that needs the good, I am doing just fine. And remember, I know who you are through and through, sooner or later your sheep's skin will fall away, and everyone will see what I saw.

So now off to lock up the front of MY STORE,  have a royal time closing the store for someone else!

My Flower Shop The Ups, Downs and the Love

This is a harsh rant that belongs solely to me. Kinda a love note, too.

I am in the floral industry and we have what are called wire services. These consist of ( what the average consumer knows them as) 1800Flowers, Ftd, Teleflora, From You Flowers, and any other outsourced call centers that  are not brick and mortar flower shops with inventory and designers. As a new shop, it is vital to be aligned with at least one of these Satan seeds in order to promote your work. Relying on walk in traffic as a new, unknown florist, in a town that no one knows you, is almost impossible. The wire services lure new, unsuspecting floral shop ownesr in by promising the world, but only to receive approximately 68% of the order value. That doesn't sound half bad, but then you must pay a fee to be aligned with the Devil and fees on top of more fees. So if my shop receives an order for 45.00, you would think I would get at least 30.60, right. NOPE! It takes at least 30 orders at that price to even make 200.00, after fees. You do the math. Well, I will make it easy for you...45.00x30=1350.00... I receive 200.00,( sometimes if I am lucky and we don't get punished for not sending orders through them. Yep, that's right, they punish the shops for not being busy enough, or for having smart customers who know how to use the Internet. I told you they were the Devil.)I may get close to 400.00, but that is highly unlikely.

These are just some of the costs of having a new business. The other is the competition. My competition isn't just your average, "I'll just keep doing my thing", kinda business, it is, "I will set you on fire, rip your guts through you nostrils, and pour gasoline atop you as you scream". kinda business(closely related to the Devil, possibly?). And to think, before I was a business, we were friends. Funny how things work out.

The other thing is your time. Yes, there is no such thing as time off if you have a new business. I knew that from the beginning and was fine with it, actually revelled in it. And then, there were kids. 3 to be exact. I am not in any way upset or discouraged because if it, but it sure does make for interesting days, evenings, and the love of Sundays. Most Sundays any way. We went from an empty nest, to raising our three grandchildren. Wouldn't change it for the world. But boy howdy, are we super freaking busy now.

Ok, so I know you're asking, how the heck do you do it. Well, some days I just don't know. Some days it's all I can do just to be there. And some days, the days that remind you why you have put yourself through every minute of it. Those are the days. The days you see some one smile, or they say, "I always call you, you make me look good", or "That was perfect, it looks like you read my mind." and "You, yes YOU are my favorite!". That is why. The why is because, in the short time I have been in this town, I have managed to run some off, enlighten a few, and gain the best customers and friends any woman could want.This little town ROCKS, and it's because a few of you gave me a chance, and then your friends gave me a chance. All I need is a chance. I know I'm not every one's flavor, but kinda like coffee, I have different blends.

So back to the rant. Please, call your local florist and leave the wire services out of your order. Local vendors are always best.

I love being a business owner, even when it keeps me awake at night. I want everything to be perfect and my expectations are unbelievably high. So on that note, no more ranting, and a little more, get off my ass and start meeting my own expectations. Can't wait to see you guys!

https://www.ghfstudio.com/

Surrender

I've been thinking a lot about surrender lately. It just seems to be lurking aroung every corner and why it is so LARGE in my mind.

I was talking to a friend last night and she is fighting a battle with her son. It is a life or death battle, and unfortunately, meth is in her son's corner, holding on tight. I told her that I had zero advice for her all I could do was offer a shoulder, let her know I knew what she was going through, and tell her most importantly, I loved her.

What needed to be said was this. "You can fight, scream, yell, beg, plead, bargain, and threaten, and none of that shit matters a damn bit. You can tell them, you know more, you can show just cause for this belief, and you can even share the fact that NOTHING in this world has EVER caused you more pain than their burdens and heartache. You can beg them to believe that you would go to the ends of the Earth for them, beg, borrow, steel for them. But NONE of it matters. NOT ONE BIT. The hardest thing as a parent you will ever have to do is surrender. Surrender the fight, the pull and push of their demons. Because, when you get down to the nitty gritty of it, it is not our fight to fight. And if it is something they are not willing to do, everything you have done, the tears, the screaming, begging, slamming doors, picking them up, letting them fall, is all for nothing. You have to surrender."

I know most parents say, "Oh no, that's my child, I can't give up on them!" Who the hell asked you to give up on them. What I am saying is that you have to let them figure it out. If the go to prison, rehab, live or die, it has to be their choice. You cannot, nor ever will be able to stop another human being from doing what it is they truly want to do. The only thing you are doing, while being a co-dependent, is causing more hurt, and enabling them further. You may not think so. But as long as you are busy trying to MAKE THEM do the right thing, they still have someone to blame, and I promise, it is not them.Parents, I assume, are all a bit co-dependent, so it comes as no surprise, that we fight so hard for our children. But 99.9% of the time, it is all in vain.

I have 3 children, none of which are perfect, but 2 did an amazingly good job at screwing up their lives. I fought, I screamed, I cried, I cried a lot, and not one bit of it mattered. The youngest, I surrendered, and much to my amazement, he is alive. The oldest, well lets just say, nobody really knows, only God. My middle child, he is doing good stuff and I am happy with the choices he's made. But more importantly, he is happy and thriving.

I am just relaying what I know. relaying what I've been through, and what I know worked. Doesn't mean that surrendering wasn't the most horrible pain I have ever felt but it also allows you to heal. And honestly, some days, I still get it all wrong. But at least my brain is pointed in the right direction, and some nights, I actually sleep. Life has finally started to open up again. I can do things without feeling guilty. I am doing things for me and the family (one of my children left behind) again. We talk, have fun, but most of all, WE  live.

Life isn't easy, and with all the evils in the world now, it just makes it harder for our kids to be strong. But fighting their battles will NEVER make them strong. Surrendering your right to fight their fights, knowing that it just might all crumble down around their ears is hard, but I don't think there is any other way. We can still be there for them, but we have to be able to remove ourselves and let them live.

 

Learning as I go

I haven't posted anything in this blog for quite some time now. I only write to make me feel better, but if along the way it helps someone else, well then, good!

So opening a business, this month makes 2 years, has been one lesson after another. I have had to learn not to prepare for the worst, prepare for nothing but the best. Preparing for the worst actually allows you to set your sights low and not do the things to invite the good. Like telling myself not to stock the shop with fun things because it won't sell. Don't spend on exotic, different types of goods, because I need to make sure everything is just so. Uggggg. the list goes on and on. Knowing my customer base is important. NOT SO. In a new business, you don't have a customer base. You are trying to obtain a customer base.. Oh my God, the agony. LOL

I really got wrapped up in trying to be like my competition, instead of letting what I do best shine. This small town that has NOT received me very well and is a hard nut to crack. I thought after a year I would be either closed or making a killing. Well neither of the two has happened. I find that I get customers and I lose customers, and then, they are back again. I have been trying to adapt to what  "I think" they want or need from me. I guess it could be labelled as fitting in. Well, I don't. But...there is always that "BUT". Seriously, I really don't fit in this tight nit community. So, now I have decided to make it work for me.

Yep, my silly self is going to stand strong on the belief that I cannot imitate, I have to be true to myself, my art, and my passions. Having this business for any other reason (well, to make a living) is sure suicide. I started in the knowing that I was different, unique and talented. Giving back to the community what God gave me to share. That's all I really know for sure.

The other lesson that I am pretty sure of...Is the value of my talent and my product. I always let people bargain with me because I was so desperate to make a sale. What I do, my knowledge and my product have REAL value. I am learning to stick to my guns with this in mind. I am not desperate, and acting that way has really undermined my store.

We opened this business with $600.00 in our pockets and have managed to build it into what it is. It isn't where I want it, but we are on our way.  I am going to keep pushing forward, and embrace my quirky weirdness and make this the best flower shop for miles around. I didn't start to stop.

So if you are ever in the south, look for the unique little flower shop, with the owner that really acts like she has a screw or two loose.. I promise, it is worth the stop.

P.S> I have to add this. I know for sure, other shops are rumor mills. Well not here. The ONLY thing that I concern myself with is making a delivery on time, making it beautiful, AND making sure my customer is happy. All the other nonsense, I don't have time  for..And besides, my brain doesn't retain that crap.

Yes, I did.: Wedding Planner???? To have, or NOT to have, THAT ...

Yes, I did.: Wedding Planner???? To have, or NOT to have, THAT ...: As you all are aware, I am a florist and have planned and executed weddings from all aspects. But, more times than not, a planner has been b...

Wedding Planner???? To have, or NOT to have, THAT IS THE QUESTION

As you all are aware, I am a florist and have planned and executed weddings from all aspects. But, more times than not, a planner has been brought in on the wedding by girls who believe throwing away money because someone said to is a great idea. Not that I am apposed to all planners, but more times than not, they are horrible.

Something has gone terribly wrong in the world of wedding planning. The girls and women who are now showing up on the scene, lack manners, skill, and their ego's far surpass their abilities. I believe these girls are getting into the world of wedding planning because of a stupid movie that made it look glamorous. Well, there is NOTHING glamorous about planning the day for your bride. It is a lot of hard work, nerves of steel, and strategic planning for the unplanned! Being an asshole to other vendors does NOT make you look like you're smarter, it makes you look like a bitch that will surely make your name spread like wild fire because no one wants to work with you. There are 2 such planners on my list  to date.

Being in the floral business for years (over 30) means that more likely than not, I have been in this business longer than most wedding planners have been out of diapers, OR picked up the planning career after retiring from a NOT SO FUN JOB! I think it is wonderful if what you do for a living is also your fun time. Sure does make your work life a lot easier to deal with. But in that respect, you can't hand off your duties when it becomes not so fun, especially if you have been paid for a whole job.

Planners, HEAR ME. We of the wedding industry do not find your bad behavior cute, nor do we like being second guessed on what we know works. Talking down to any other vendor is NOT acceptable. We are there for the same reason you are, to make the bride and everything about that day shine! One more thing, taking credit for what the other vendors do, not cool either, especially if you are a "DAY OF" planner.

You may thinK that I am anti-wedding planner. I am not. I have met some seriously wonderful wedding planners. But, yes, they are few and far between. Believe me when I say, if any of your vendors wrinkle their noses at the name you throw out as your "PLANNER", or the price goes up because of where your wedding is and who is helping you, ask WHY! There is normally a very good reason. No vendor wants to turn away business, but sometimes, being compensated at a really high rate is the only way to go when it comes to working with unreasonable planners.

Want the name of great wedding planner in Charleston? Tannis Jackson! Trust me, she may not remember me, but I remember her, and she is everything you need in a planner! Take your vendors seriously, none of us want anything but for your event to be perfect. And sometimes that may mean switching planners or cutting them loose all together. Good luck, and happy wedding!

Yes, I did.: TESTING, THIS IS JUST A TEST

Yes, I did.: TESTING, THIS IS JUST A TEST: I'll start. I was given up for adoption May 6, 1967 by K. Thomas, now K. Gaddis. I have one biological brother who is 11 months young...

TESTING, THIS IS JUST A TEST

I'll start. I was given up for adoption May 6, 1967 by K. Thomas, now K. Gaddis. I have one biological brother who is 11 months younger than me, his name is Thomas Hagler. They both live in Columbia SC. For years I tried to make contact. The first time was because my youngest son was plagued with medical disorders and I wanted a family background. I was told by Kaye, "I didn't want you then and I don't want you now.". That being said, I wasn't asking to be wanted, I was asking to have medical records, of that she finally agreed but never provided. I have been her dirty little secret for years, but no more. I find myself being lifted by those words now. I was asked recently not to cause harm, and I didn't. But no where in any of the discussions was I ever asked if I had been harmed. Well, when you are thrown away like trash, it does something to you.. Call it harm, call it a blow to the ego, whatever. Well no more. I am no ones secret. I am a valid human being and I WILL be treated as such.
So for all my adopted friends or friends of the adopted, march forward in your validity! Know your worth. KNOW that you matter!


These words, these names, this crappy ass story. Well, they are all true. But there is more that is true. 

The truth is, I did want to be wanted, missed, anything. For years I tried to act big and bad like it didn't really hurt. It made no difference to me if they fell off the planet...but how could they be so cold to a child? MY child was taken care of. I always made sure of that. It was the child still inside of me that felt neglected, left out and thrown away. 

For years, actually ever sense I can remember, I have never bonded with people. As a child I tried my best to blend in, not be noticed.  As a result, looking back, I realized that the friends I thought I had were never really close, best kind of friends. I had been successful in going practically, completely un-noticed. 

I rode horses as a child, and even worked my way up to AQHA shows, and won. I won a lot. But I never felt good about it. It didn't make me happy. I won awards after awards and it never seemed to be anything magical and joyous about it. It seemed like it was expected, something I had to do. 

I started painting and drawing as a child as well. That I enjoyed, a lot. I thought that one year I would draw everyone in my family something that they could keep. I even had it framed. THAT wasn't good enough. I know, right now you think that maybe "she" wasn't that good. Well maybe, but I had already sold several of my works and for a good amount of money. So something told me, it wasn't that they weren't good enough, it just that I hadn't gone the store a purchased anything. If it wasn't expensive, fake or in the BOX it wasn't good enough. So you see, all of my life, the things I liked, the person I was, it was just never good enough. Not for my adopted family, birth family, and in my mind, pretty much the entire human race. 

I have been trying for years now to rewire my thinking. I know I am good enough, sometimes. The rewiring is taking a little more time than expected. It's just real hard to take everything you ever thought, felt, and were told for 30 some years and rebuild a person into someone who knows how to love, stand in the light and doesn't mind being noticed. I still suffer bouts of awful depression. Asking myself why, and learning to let go. To get better, I had to let go of some of my adopted family. Oddly enough, that was the precise moment I started to really get better. I am not all the way to the good yet, but I am on my way. I no longer practice self loathing on a daily basis. 

I own a business now. One I am quite proud of, until of course I have a slow time. Then, with all the magical things I learned as a child, I am convinced that I am just not good enough. This is one the hardest things to battle through. But once I come though it, we are rocking and rolling again. Business is tough, and I have to remind myself of that. I am a fighter, and I will succeed at this...I know this. But in that little girl's mind that still lives in me, well she has to be reminded that she is not something that can just be thrown away. It is okay to excel at what I do and be VERY good at something. And most of all, it is okay to be me.

Yes, I did.: Honey

Yes, I did.: Honey: Sitting here I keep trying to see the signs that are said to be laid before me. Signs that will help guide me into something bigger than I c...

Honey

Sitting here I keep trying to see the signs that are said to be laid before me. Signs that will help guide me into something bigger than I can even imagine. And I look up, and what is straight before me. It's been there for weeks and I look at it everyday. But still I had no clue. It is a picture of my son.

For those of you who don't know, he is in prison. And this picture, in all it's fabulousness....is in the prison, in his prison uniform. But there is a catch. What strikes me most about this picture, is the smile on his face. Not a smile just for the camera, but a smile for me. A grand smile of love. He knows his surroundings, he knows what brought him to this point, but still, in the midst of it all, he smiles.

It is a choice, screams the voice from my soul. It is an absolute choice, with no regard of time,space, or the choices you've made before. Down to this precise moment in time, we choose happiness or misery. Nothing changes through our misery, it may not even change through our happiness....but our happiness begets love. Happiness is the honey of our lives.

I have wondered and blundered through my life for years, always seeking the answers. Asking, praying,,,,,even begging. And in one clear moment, with one smile, one tear from his mother, it is all clearer than ever before. Just choose happiness.

I have watched as others have stumbled down the road to happiness and noticed a similar trait in most. The inability to face their truth. The truth doesn't waiver, or bend for anyone. It can't change to make us feel better. The truth will always be simple, unpersuasive, and real. When we except the truth, on truths terms, that is when we can start to unravel our happiness.

I recently tried to help someone. I had conditions, and I was clear about them. I know, you say, helping doesn't have conditions. Well then I will say, I set boundaries on what my limits would be. First, there would be NO LYING. Second, NO DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOUR. Third, the place that she was running from could not be revisited. In one day, she lied to me, disrespected herself as well as me, and revisited the place in which she had been hiding from. Screaming at me, she said, "You don't know MY truth". But what I realized, after listening to her profusely spout all the open minded garb, spiritual blah, blah blah, is that garb was exactly what is was for her. Because I held tight to our agreement, I refused to be her rest spot until arrangements could be made for her to return to the home she had run from, I had now become the enemy, again. I was not her enemy, the truth was.

After that experience, I realized, I will not accomplish anything fruitful unless I keep the truth with me and in me. The truth is the root on which I am able the choose my happiness.  Life is a grand adventure, and who wants theirs to be rooted in misery? Not me.

So, with a sweet smile from someone who chose happiness, I awoke, finally realizing what the universe, God, and all of my sweet angels have been trying to tell me. I have the choice, no matter where I am, who I am with, or what circumstances may lie before me. Just simply, I am the maker and keeper of my happiness. And, I sure do like honey, don't you?

Yes, I did.: retrospect

Yes, I did.: retrospect: I look around, and I see things that I never dreamed to be possible. But here it is right in front of me as if it was always meant to be thi...

retrospect

I look around, and I see things that I never dreamed to be possible. But here it is right in front of me as if it was always meant to be this way. The problem is my faith. the faith that everything I have risked for the sake of a dream coming true, hoping that all will be well.

Faith is a hard thing to live by and kind of stupid all at the same time. You are taught at a very early age that faith is something we all must have to survive. Without it we lose hope, and without hope we have nothing. This world can be cruel and vicious and seem to have nothing for us but punches to our ego regularly. It hurts, because upon faith and hope is what we base our dreams, but yet fall sacrificially to this world as it yanks all we know from underneath us. Our hope and faith seem almost as if they are only mere jokes in the face of this world and the only one laughing is God.

We are also taught that God has a plan for each and everyone of us for greatness. I call God on that one. If it were not for the down trodden in life, how would the rest of us know we had it good or bad? It is all just simple questions that we all ask from time to time, but I seem to ask a little more than most.

If I am meant for greatness the way God has made me, why then is it everything about me I must change in order to obtain greatness? I am a loner by  nature, but have learned over the years to put on my happy face and pretend to be the life of the party. To speak up when I would rather sit quietly watching the bodies as the emulate each other, and also pretend to have perfection at their core.

Faith.......I just can't seem to grasp it today. It is this fleeting light that in the worst of times is supposed to restore us to all that is good and can be good. Some days, I will always argue are just plain bad. We wish we could hide from the world and just for a brief moment in time, let someone else be the grown up. Allow me just a drop in time that my worries are no longer at the for front and faith be real.

I don't need faith to tell me that there is a higher power greater than myself. I don't need faith to tell me that gasoline will soon be a thing of the past. I don't need faith to tell me I am falling apart. Well, obviously, if my faith were strong, would I be falling apart? The agony that dwells beneath my tiny heart. So what good does faith do?  Faith has led me down this rocky road. Always believing that, if I just keep my faith, and never lose hope, all will be okay. Well it's not. My heart is weary and my mind is doubtful. Life just isn't what I had faith it would be. Most everything I have ever hoped for is gone, or never happened.

I have this belief that it has been in my trust of others, that my faith was lost. I don't think God sat back and put this scheme into action about each and everyone of our lives. Where I ask you is the logic in that. God's plan? God's plan to me, was the same as our plan for our children. We want what is best for you, but unfortunately, life happens. Some things work out and some don;t.

Have you ever known someone that truly has a black heart, and everything they do is driven by nothing less than greed and arrogance? These are the people that have no good intent except for themselves, and the sun just shines and shines upon them. In the same notion you have a person who truly cares for others and tries to shine light over everyone they meet. They seem to shine, even though everything in their life is a mess. They have no money, home, car, and barely enough of anything to get by. But we still favor the arrogant ,greedy man, because of all he has accomplished.
This is why my faith is disappearing. How can God  find this acceptable?

So I guess in retrospect, I know now that faith alone is nothing. God doesn't have this whole thing worked out. It is all just random coincidences that have brought us here. And no amount of faith and hope will change that. Faith without works is nothing.

The angel

Years ago, I was back and forth with my husband and things weren't great. One day he loved me, the next day I had no idea where he was. Not knowing where he was and how long he'd be gone was just something I kinda got used to. Not really, it just sounds good doesn't it?

 We had a daughter, and boy was she a beautiful child. It really looked as if she had fallen from heaven. Such a perfect little creature. I loved that her like nobodies business, except my mother in law's. Yep, I had one of those. The moment we came from the hospital, she grabbed her from my arms, and I swear, I believe she is still there. I didn't know how to feed her right, bathe her right, burp her right...jeez, the list went on. And honestly, battling with her father, it probably worked out best for her. It just felt lousy, seeing my sweet baby girl doted over like that, to a point I became afraid to touch her. I was pushed around, and I would take as much as I possibly could stand, and then, I'd push back. I am sure, mothers out there understand completely.

After a few months of living separate, we decided to try again. Well I am using the word "WE" loosely. He was trying with me, and her, and I think another her. It was a mess. In the midst of it all, I became pregnant. Nope, it wasn't a trap or an ultimatum. In fact, quite the opposite. It completely broke our marital bond.

Now being a single mother of a little girl, and pregnant, my family flipped out. I heard everything to, I'd live in the streets, to I needed to find a man who would marry my quick. The worst one I heard was give the baby up for adoption. Well, I was pretty sure none of those scenarios were going to happen, especially the last one.

I have to tell you something. As bad as the situation was, there was something inside me that knew, this baby was a gift. I knew immediately it was a boy, and picked out his name. The name I picked was the name of someone I loved dearly and lost to suicide and his middle name was my grandfather's. I just knew this baby was somehow going to be a light, a special angel that would ultimately bring so much love into all our lives. I was right.

He was born September 13th, 1989. I didn't have any pain meds, and laughed through the entire birth. Not because it didn't hurt, it was just the only reaction my body would allow. Sounds silly, but all I could do was laugh to think, "I am doing this. I am giving birth to a baby, and that's so stinking cool.". He sprang from my loins at 3pm peeing on everyone. Yep, he gave the entire room a golden shower. (For those of you not familiar with the term, look it up.) But, he was gorgeous.

7 lb.s 3oz. baby boy named Michael Powell. What a beautiful strong name.What a beautiful strong boy. I had done it, all by my self. At least I thought.

As the beautiful Michael Powell grew, he and his sister became closer and closer. She tortured him, and he screamed. Pretty normal stuff for siblings. But they were different. There was a calmness in his eyes, a light. I swear, when he was 3 he was already showing signs of compassion. He would handle his sister with such a tolerance, until she pushed his magical "crazy kid" button. He could go from 0 to 105 in 1 second flat. But he would release his frustration, and then as quick as it happened, it was COMPLETELY over.

His sister loved to drag him everywhere. All of her friends used Mike as a puppet. They would make up plays and dance shows, and he was the one they controlled. He didn't seem to mind, he had a natural ability to flip, roll, do hand stands, and jump higher than kids twice his age. We all thought he had springs in his heels. A natural athlete.

As time went on, she became bitter at the way our lives were, and Michael just hung in there as if there was nothing ever wrong. Mommy was just crazy, and so was life. And yes, I feel terrible about that. I wished nothing more than normalcy for my children, unfortunately, their one biggest downfall, they were born to me.

I have never been the best mother, nor have I ever claimed to be. But the one thing I can tell you without reservation, my children saved me, especially Michael.

When I told you he was born with a light, almost angelic, I wasn't lying. I was chosen to have Michael, just as I was chosen to have my other children. But Michael has been different. He has endured so much, even things I didn't do, and come out on the side of compassion, mercy and love. He never has a bad word to say about anyone or anything, he is a rock. He lights up a room when he walks in, and you feel at peace around him. It is an amazing quality, that I am sure we wish we all had.

Michael Powell has grown into a man now, and a husband, and a father. All three of which he has kinda got a knack for. I am not proud of Michael, I am in awe. All he is, I assure you, is in spite of me.

Remember I told you he was named after someone special to me? Well I have to give credit where credit is due. Michael Reid Ballentine and Powell Locklair are his name sakes. Two of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know, and still, miss dearly. But fear not Michael and Powell, little Michael is making us all proud, more than anyone could have ever imagined.